Almost halfway

So, in a few months, the best decade ever will be half over. I have a lot of emotions about this. So much in my life has changed- another child, a new job for Ben, a new home, the start of the school years, etc. In many ways, it's been a very full and happy five years, though not without its share of heartaches and frustrations.

I'd like to say that I don't feel like I'm getting older, but I do. And it bothers me constantly. I've realized that one of the biggest ironies of life is that just as you begin to realize how truly fast it goes by, it starts going by even faster. I have written to my daughters that it's a stone rolling down a hill, unstoppable, and gaining speed every moment. It's, at once, extremely motivating and completely paralyzing.

I am not the same person I was when I turned 30. When I turned 30, I was still a bit more optimistic about time. I knew I was getting older, but it still didn't feel that way. It felt like time to chart new territory. Growing up, I made a lot of plans in my head but none of them took into account that there'd still be a lot of life left to live past 2010. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids- then what? I was so busy setting up a life that I never considered it much. I never wondered how I'd bear up under the daily grind of getting up, taking care of my kids (a far more consuming task than I'd ever thought possible), working, fixing meals, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, fulfilling those million small obligations that represent just about every moment of our ever-diminishing time. You.start.to.feel.like.you.are.disappearing.

Five years ago, making a list of 30 things to do during my 30s was something I needed to do because it made facing that birthday a lot easier. And, they weren't bad goals. I've completed a handful of them and will continue working on others. But I've realized there's no actual virtue for me in making a quilt or re-learning how to play the piano. Would I love to do those things? Sure! Was I born to do those things? No. So, do I really have enough weeks, days, and hours left to pursue them? Some days, I'm lucky to get a shower or an actual meal. Should I use any extra time I come up with to become a better scrapbooker?

The older my daughters become, the more I realize that I can't just tell them they can pursue any dream they want, become anything they want. I have to show them. I don't want them to grow up and say, "My mom sat safely on the sofa and encouraged me by saying I could achieve whatever I worked hard at." I want them to say, "My mom is the type of person I aspire to be. She showed me that I can achieve my goals because she worked hard and achieved her own." In light of this realization, I have revised my 30 things list as follows:

1. Write.
2. Write.
3. Write.
4. Write.
5. Write.
6. Write.
7. Write.
8. Write.
9. Write.
10. Write.
11. Write.
12. Write.
13. Write.
14. Write.
15. Write.
16. Write.
17. Write.
18. Write.
19. Write.
20. Write.
21. Write.
22. Write.
23. Write.
24. Write.
25. Write.
26. Write.
27. Write.
28. Write.
29. Write.
30. Write.

School days are here

Occasionally I remember that I began this blog as a way to document my "30 in my 30s" list. My life is so different now from when I turned 30 four years ago. I haven't looked at the list in a while, and I'm sure there are a few items I'd want to change now. However, I have not forgotten my list and I've recently marked off two major items. One is finding a new home for our family, which on the list is referred to as something like "a family home to live in for many years." This home probably isn't that, but we do love this little place and are having so much fun fixing it up and making it our own. Our new roof was completed today. The house immediately felt cooler and less humid. Here's hoping we'll see a change in our outrageous energy bills next month. I'm anxious to start posting some "after" photos, but honestly, nothing is to the point yet where I'm ready to call it done!

I have plenty of "during" photos! Every project in this house takes on a life of its own. I simply wanted to paint the front door. It resulted in Ben spending 3+ days stripping about 9 old layers of paint off!

Another item on my list was to give Bennett (who was 18 months old when I wrote it) the best possible start in her education, starting with kindergarten. For several years, we wrestled with the options and what we would do. We prayed about it a lot. It wasn't an easy process or an easy decision. I've shed more than a few tears along the way, especially when it came time to actually let her go off to school.

How dare she do this to me?!

Might as well be walking down the aisle

Excuse me. Weren't you just born? 

The educational climate has changed so much since Ben and I were kids. When we were growing up, homeschooling had a stigma of being different and weird. Now, it is so much more mainstream, and I am constantly amazed at the awesome and creative ways people to come up with to homeschool their kids. I admire it wholeheartedly. It has actually been a little difficult for me to admit that it's just not right for our family, at least not at this time. In Christian circles, if you let yourself be over-sensitive (which I probably am about this subject because education is so important to me), you can almost start to feel as if you're failing as a mom if you don't/can't homeschool your kids. I've had feelings of panic that I should be doing it, that I should be figuring out a way to make it work.

For the past couple of weeks, I've really been working on letting that go. Reminding myself that we prayed just as hard about this decision as other parents who ultimately decide to homeschool or put their kids in Christian school. God has a purpose for us here, in this neighborhood, and in this school. We're completely confident that we are right where we're supposed to be, that Bennett is in the school she's supposed to be in, that she has the teacher God wanted her to have. It comforted me when her class assignment was switched a few days before school, and the principal called me three times to make sure he could answer my questions and reassure me about the change. Our confidence grew even more when a school board member stopped by our house to personally welcome us to the district. And, it gives my heart joy each morning when Bennett bounds down the stairs excited for another day at school. She's eating up every single second of it, especially interacting with so many new friends. We've already had several conversations about how she might be able to help a girl in her class who is having trouble adjusting to school. I'm so proud of her. She will have so many opportunities to be "salt and light" here.

I'm planning to go back through my list soon and see how I'm doing. For now, I'm just thrilled that these two big dreams have come true.

Finally home

It's been a while. The past 8.5 months have been an interesting ride, but we are finally in our new home and hoping life will settle down a bit. Moving in with my parents came at the perfect time. My mom started chemo almost immediately after we moved in, and the girls and I were able to shuttle her back and forth to keep my dad from having to take off work so often. We thought chemo would last 2-3 months...it's still going. The changes have been harsh. While thankfully she hasn't lost her hair or spent her days throwing up, she has gotten very weak and tired. Her blood counts have been very low. She's now on full-time oxygen. And, most frustrating of all, for a long time, the chemo didn't seem to be making any difference in fighting her cancer. Thankfully, things now seem to be heading in the right direction. The hope is that she will be a candidate for a stem cell transplant sooner than later. She's dreading it. I'm dreading it. It won't be the first stem cell go-round for Ben and me, and my hope and prayer is that she'll experience the lasting remission that my mother-in-law is currently enjoying. Appointment at Ohio State later this week.

Living back in Cedarville was fun. The girls enjoyed the free and unlimited access to Nana and Papa, enjoyed going for walks in the country and on campus. Ben and I both enjoyed cooking with my dad and being able to leave the girls home sometimes when we needed to run errands. And, we certainly enjoyed the cost savings! I was blessed to spend even more time with my precious grandma who was living at the nursing home in Xenia. She passed away on June 23, and I already miss her so much. She meant the world to me, and I can't wait to see her again one day.

God was so good in leading us to the perfect house back here in Columbus. And when I say "perfect," I mean "perfect for us" because this house is a bit of a trainwreck. It's 65 years old and has been a rental for the past 10 years. It needs a lot of TLC, but we love it. We love the town, the fact that it's urban with a small-community feel, and its great school system (Bennett will be starting kindergarten next month!). We love the brick street we live on and all the character in this old house. We love having a big backyard full of shade (my dad is really trying to sell me on bringing the chicken coop up here). We have already made so much progress on this house, but still have a long way to go. I thought I'd post some "before" pictures. These are the original listing photos for the house. I will try my best to update with "during" and "after" photos as I can.

Exterior of the house. It's a 1950s cottage/modified Cape-style home. Not a lot of curb appeal but Ben and his dad spent hours clearing weeds and trimming trees so it's already perking up a bit (photos to come). I have dreams of having this house painted Colonial red. First priority is a new roof, however.

The living room. This was the main part of the original house and included the kitchen. I can't imagine how small it must have felt. We've already repainted and replaced the carpet (photos to come). It's actually kind of an awkward space now. I'm dying to get a piano since, for the first time ever, I finally have space for one. 

View of the living room looking back toward the front door. The renters' furniture was somewhat hideous. 

This is a pretty good view of the addition on the back of the house. Not sure what year it was added, but we think it's pretty old. The hardwood under this carpeting was basically disintegrating. All this carpet has been ripped out and replaced with new hardwood (photos to come). We believe the brick was the original exterior of the house. Not quite sure what to do with all that hearth space; it seems wasted. Having this much openness in an old home in this part of town is rare, and I don't take it for granted! 

 The entire back of the house is floor-to-ceiling windows that let in the morning light. Ben always wanted a sunken family room; I always wanted a fireplace in the dining area. Even though we were kind of "taking what we could get" in Bexley, we got both of those things! I have a lot of work ahead of me trying to shine up that copper fireplace hood. Another item on the list- replace that light fixture and move it to where it's- oh, you know- actually above the table area. 

View of the addition from the kitchen

This kitchen. What can I say. Great, functional layout and those giant windows look right out to the swingset in the backyard. For the first time ever, I can tell my kids to go outside and play- without me! But the finishes- yikes! I'm happy to say the floor is gone and the cabinets have been professionally refinished (photos to come).  

The laminate flooring! I found an extra box in the attic and couldn't even give it away. Oh, and that light fixture cover has been ripped down as well. I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns.  

Looking into the backyard. These counters also have to go, but that's more of a "phase two" project. "Phase two" is code for "when we're no longer hemorrhaging cash from phase one."

The half bath. Part of the original kitchen apparently. Border has been removed but weird stenciling is still intact, waiting to be painted over. 

The basement bedroom which has become our playroom. This room has already made a big transformation. Can't wait to post the photos!

The master bedroom. The renters had a cat in here named Lola who couldn't be let out of the room for fear she would kill their other cat. So basically this room is haunted by a demon cat. Notice the shiny ceiling. A lot of the ceilings in this house were inexplicably painted with high-gloss paint. It took a lot of flat white to calm things down. 

The one and only full bath. Probably the biggest sacrifice we're making to live here, next to lack of closet and storage space. This bathroom is actually pretty big and since the girls are so little, sharing isn't too difficult, but if I'm being honest, yes, I very much miss having my own master bath. 

The girls' room, formerly the home of the cat who might get killed if the other cat got out. This sweet little cape-style room is on a floor of its own. We were able to rip out this carpet and restore the original hardwood underneath. And of course, it's been painted pink (photos to come). 

Not the best photos of the backyard, but we are thrilled to have such a big one in an area where space is at a premium. We have a double lot and a ton of space for the kids to play. I am desperately seeking a big playhouse for this yard but have yet to find one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg to move! The grass was probably two feet tall back here by the time we moved in and things were in pretty bad shape. Ben has put a lot of work into cleaning it up, and we are looking forward to landscaping it and spending a lot of days and nights enjoying it!

Having a hard time keeping my eyes open right now- rare for me! I will post progress pictures as soon as possible! 

Temporary home

I don't know if I'll be doing much Christmas decorating this year, so I thought I could at least make my seldom-updated blog look marginally jolly.

So much has happened since my last post in June. About a week later, we put our house on the market with little expectations. The necessary evil of moving had been looming over our heads for a while, and we knew it wasn't going to be any easier or more fun in six months or a year. Getting the house ready for showings with a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old home all summer was a little bit challenging, but we made it through. Looking back, I have to admit it was pretty nice to come home to a perfectly clean house each time we had to clear out of there. We had about one showing a week for three months and finally accepted an offer in late September, right when we were about to take it off the market until spring.

We were thrilled to sell the house, but the timing was terrible. We had already booked and paid for an 8-day vacation that would keep us out of the country until two days before we needed to be out of the house. Ben's parents had already taken vacation time and booked plane tickets to come stay with the girls while we were gone. October was an absolutely crazy month. We had limited time to move, and no time to look for something new. We didn't want to sign a long lease or pay for an expensive apartment, so we made the decision to stay with my parents in Cedarville for a while, until we find something we really want to buy.

I don't think I've ever left for a vacation more unprepared (I was just thankful we even remembered our passports), but we somehow made it, and we had the best, most relaxing trip with our good friends Nate & Beca. I didn't worry about the girls one bit because I knew they were having the time of their lives with Grandma & Grandpa. While we were gone, we explored an old fort in San Juan, Puerto Rico...

...enjoyed a beautiful beach day at Magen's Bay in St. Thomas, 

where the water is as calm as a swimming pool...

...had a super fun birthday for Beca with a catamaran lunch cruise and snorkeling in Barbados...

...were wowed by the lush beauty of St. Lucia and spent a relaxing day at the beach 

and kayaking between the Pitons...

...experienced the black sand of St. Kitts...

...and stood mesmerized watching jets fly over our heads at Maho Beach in St. Maarten (so many people have asked me if this photo is real- yes, it is real, and it is as insane as it looks!). 

Our vacation was awesome, but we were inevitably plunged back into reality the moment we got home, knowing we had less than 72 hours to finish moving out of our house (we had closed before leaving for our trip). And what a stressful and exhausting 72 hours those were. I don't recommend moving, to anyone, at any time, for any reason, ever. 

Selling the house was something we wanted and needed to do for a long time, and I thought I would feel so relieved, but when all was said and done, I found myself just sitting at my parents' house, surrounded by boxes and chaos, and just crying for like two days. I didn't feel free; I just felt homeless. I immediately missed the carefully constructed routine we had at home and didn't have the strength or energy to begin building another one. I'm so thankful for this free place to live in the interim, but it's hard being an hour away from the life you've had for the past 10 years. 

There are so many blessings to being here, though. We have several good friends who live right here who will keep us and the girls busy and entertained. We have two bedrooms, two bathrooms, our own kitchen, our own living room, and a garage- not a lot of people get that when they move back in with the parents! I am thankful to my grandma, who is now staying in a nursing home, for not minding that we've taken over her space. We are slowly but surely getting into a routine, and I have about half of our things settled, not including everything we have in storage in Columbus and the massive amount of boxes we have in the garage here. It's very interesting what a small percentage of your stuff you actually "need." 

One of the worst parts of this situation was taking Bennett out of her amazing preschool in Columbus, but she has already started going to the Cedarville Learning Center here, and I can tell she has a great teacher and classmates. In addition, she is now able to feed, water, and supervise her two chickens on a daily basis, along with her agribusiness partner, my dad. 

Lastly, the timing of our coming down here coincided almost exactly with my mom's beginning chemo treatment last week. As a lot of people know, she was diagnosed with cancer over 10 years ago and has had many physical and health struggles since that time. However, her cancer did not seem to be progressing quickly, so she and her doctors put off treatment as long as possible. But now, the time is here. I'm glad we're here during this time. I'm glad I can help drive my mom back and forth and just be here for her. Thankfully, the type of chemo she's taking is well-tolerated, and we don't expect her to get sick or lose her hair. We expect great results, actually, and are looking forward to hearing that she's in remission. 

Everyone keeps telling me that it's so good we can be here for my parents, but the truth is that they are really the ones here for us. My dad and Ben have been enjoying cooking up massive amounts of food together (today was steak and cheddar meatballs) and watching unhealthy amounts of football. The girls love running back and forth to see their grandparents whenever they feel like it. I thought Bennett would be the one to cause trouble, but it's actually Blake. Whenever she hears a word she doesn't like, such as "nap" or "bath," she immediately disappears and can usually be found cuddled up on Papa's lap, hiding. Almost every night, she demands "NANNY SING YOU!!" before she will fall asleep. And, I would say that Bennett spends 50% of her nights sleeping next to my mom in the living room. Are these terrible habits for them to get into? Possibly. Do I care right now? Not one bit. Life is short, and we're all living in temporary homes. At this time in my life, more than ever, I am realizing the only thing that really matters is just that you're there together, not where you are or what comes next. 

Hello, summer

Doesn't it seem like it takes forever for summer to arrive, and then when it gets here, it goes remarkably fast? I feel this way, and I don't even have kids in school yet. However, even with a light preschool schedule, summer still seems like a break from the normal routine. We don't have a lot planned for this summer, except for a week in Iowa in August, so the girls and I have a lot of free time on our hands. We do have some things going on- the occasional afternoon with a fun babysitter, Vacation Bible School for Bennett, trips down to Cedarville to see Nana and Papa, etc.- but, on most days, we have many long daytime hours to fill before Ben gets home, we have dinner, they go to bed, and I start to work.

Unfortunately, we can't take off and go somewhere every day. It's just too expensive and/or tiring. We're in a weird spot with Blake- old enough to be entering the terrible two's but still not walking independently. It is very difficult to do a lot of activities with a non-walker who weighs 28 pounds. It's just limiting for us, right now. It's not an exaggeration to say that my back is in knots all the time from lugging this adorable chubster around, even at home. Next summer, we should be good to go. But for now, we need some simple home entertainment. Oh, and did I mention we don't have much of a yard to speak of? Besides short stroller walks/bike rides and a little sidewalk chalk or bubbles (which results in Blake getting filthy from inevitably crawling on the blacktop- because what child her age wants to sit still on a blanket?), we get along best indoors.

Hi, I'm Blake, and I am ruining every outfit I own by crawling around outside.

As a mom, it seems wrong to say that sometimes I really don't know what to do with kids. It just doesn't come naturally to me. Growing up, I rarely babysat and didn't enjoy it. I used to babysit for a family with four boys, and I tried to play with them, but they eventually sent me to the couch with my book and opted to entertain themselves. :) I was the youngest on both sides of my family and was never really around kids who were younger than I was. It is absolutely true that when Bennett was born, I didn't really know how to change a diaper. Before Ben went back to work, he gave me a tutorial because I was afraid I was going to mess it up terribly and be the worst mother of all time.

Now, I'm completely confident in my ability to take care of my kids and keep them alive, but I'm just not good at entertaining. When Bennett and I play Barbies, I usually pretend I'm the housekeeper so I can clean/organize the Dream House. Seriously. So, this summer, I'm trying to do better and come up with some fun activities. We do love baking, but we can't do that every day because we just don't need that many baked goods around here. We have made sidewalk paint:

Which was fun to make, but didn't really "paint" that well.

We have made cloud dough:

But we weren't that impressed.

We tried making collages out of old magazines:

But Bennett lost interest and asked me to finish for her!

We'll keep trying. If I come up with anything good, I'll be sure to pass it along!