School days are here

Occasionally I remember that I began this blog as a way to document my "30 in my 30s" list. My life is so different now from when I turned 30 four years ago. I haven't looked at the list in a while, and I'm sure there are a few items I'd want to change now. However, I have not forgotten my list and I've recently marked off two major items. One is finding a new home for our family, which on the list is referred to as something like "a family home to live in for many years." This home probably isn't that, but we do love this little place and are having so much fun fixing it up and making it our own. Our new roof was completed today. The house immediately felt cooler and less humid. Here's hoping we'll see a change in our outrageous energy bills next month. I'm anxious to start posting some "after" photos, but honestly, nothing is to the point yet where I'm ready to call it done!

I have plenty of "during" photos! Every project in this house takes on a life of its own. I simply wanted to paint the front door. It resulted in Ben spending 3+ days stripping about 9 old layers of paint off!

Another item on my list was to give Bennett (who was 18 months old when I wrote it) the best possible start in her education, starting with kindergarten. For several years, we wrestled with the options and what we would do. We prayed about it a lot. It wasn't an easy process or an easy decision. I've shed more than a few tears along the way, especially when it came time to actually let her go off to school.

How dare she do this to me?!

Might as well be walking down the aisle

Excuse me. Weren't you just born? 

The educational climate has changed so much since Ben and I were kids. When we were growing up, homeschooling had a stigma of being different and weird. Now, it is so much more mainstream, and I am constantly amazed at the awesome and creative ways people to come up with to homeschool their kids. I admire it wholeheartedly. It has actually been a little difficult for me to admit that it's just not right for our family, at least not at this time. In Christian circles, if you let yourself be over-sensitive (which I probably am about this subject because education is so important to me), you can almost start to feel as if you're failing as a mom if you don't/can't homeschool your kids. I've had feelings of panic that I should be doing it, that I should be figuring out a way to make it work.

For the past couple of weeks, I've really been working on letting that go. Reminding myself that we prayed just as hard about this decision as other parents who ultimately decide to homeschool or put their kids in Christian school. God has a purpose for us here, in this neighborhood, and in this school. We're completely confident that we are right where we're supposed to be, that Bennett is in the school she's supposed to be in, that she has the teacher God wanted her to have. It comforted me when her class assignment was switched a few days before school, and the principal called me three times to make sure he could answer my questions and reassure me about the change. Our confidence grew even more when a school board member stopped by our house to personally welcome us to the district. And, it gives my heart joy each morning when Bennett bounds down the stairs excited for another day at school. She's eating up every single second of it, especially interacting with so many new friends. We've already had several conversations about how she might be able to help a girl in her class who is having trouble adjusting to school. I'm so proud of her. She will have so many opportunities to be "salt and light" here.

I'm planning to go back through my list soon and see how I'm doing. For now, I'm just thrilled that these two big dreams have come true.

Finally home

It's been a while. The past 8.5 months have been an interesting ride, but we are finally in our new home and hoping life will settle down a bit. Moving in with my parents came at the perfect time. My mom started chemo almost immediately after we moved in, and the girls and I were able to shuttle her back and forth to keep my dad from having to take off work so often. We thought chemo would last 2-3 months...it's still going. The changes have been harsh. While thankfully she hasn't lost her hair or spent her days throwing up, she has gotten very weak and tired. Her blood counts have been very low. She's now on full-time oxygen. And, most frustrating of all, for a long time, the chemo didn't seem to be making any difference in fighting her cancer. Thankfully, things now seem to be heading in the right direction. The hope is that she will be a candidate for a stem cell transplant sooner than later. She's dreading it. I'm dreading it. It won't be the first stem cell go-round for Ben and me, and my hope and prayer is that she'll experience the lasting remission that my mother-in-law is currently enjoying. Appointment at Ohio State later this week.

Living back in Cedarville was fun. The girls enjoyed the free and unlimited access to Nana and Papa, enjoyed going for walks in the country and on campus. Ben and I both enjoyed cooking with my dad and being able to leave the girls home sometimes when we needed to run errands. And, we certainly enjoyed the cost savings! I was blessed to spend even more time with my precious grandma who was living at the nursing home in Xenia. She passed away on June 23, and I already miss her so much. She meant the world to me, and I can't wait to see her again one day.

God was so good in leading us to the perfect house back here in Columbus. And when I say "perfect," I mean "perfect for us" because this house is a bit of a trainwreck. It's 65 years old and has been a rental for the past 10 years. It needs a lot of TLC, but we love it. We love the town, the fact that it's urban with a small-community feel, and its great school system (Bennett will be starting kindergarten next month!). We love the brick street we live on and all the character in this old house. We love having a big backyard full of shade (my dad is really trying to sell me on bringing the chicken coop up here). We have already made so much progress on this house, but still have a long way to go. I thought I'd post some "before" pictures. These are the original listing photos for the house. I will try my best to update with "during" and "after" photos as I can.

Exterior of the house. It's a 1950s cottage/modified Cape-style home. Not a lot of curb appeal but Ben and his dad spent hours clearing weeds and trimming trees so it's already perking up a bit (photos to come). I have dreams of having this house painted Colonial red. First priority is a new roof, however.

The living room. This was the main part of the original house and included the kitchen. I can't imagine how small it must have felt. We've already repainted and replaced the carpet (photos to come). It's actually kind of an awkward space now. I'm dying to get a piano since, for the first time ever, I finally have space for one. 

View of the living room looking back toward the front door. The renters' furniture was somewhat hideous. 

This is a pretty good view of the addition on the back of the house. Not sure what year it was added, but we think it's pretty old. The hardwood under this carpeting was basically disintegrating. All this carpet has been ripped out and replaced with new hardwood (photos to come). We believe the brick was the original exterior of the house. Not quite sure what to do with all that hearth space; it seems wasted. Having this much openness in an old home in this part of town is rare, and I don't take it for granted! 

 The entire back of the house is floor-to-ceiling windows that let in the morning light. Ben always wanted a sunken family room; I always wanted a fireplace in the dining area. Even though we were kind of "taking what we could get" in Bexley, we got both of those things! I have a lot of work ahead of me trying to shine up that copper fireplace hood. Another item on the list- replace that light fixture and move it to where it's- oh, you know- actually above the table area. 

View of the addition from the kitchen

This kitchen. What can I say. Great, functional layout and those giant windows look right out to the swingset in the backyard. For the first time ever, I can tell my kids to go outside and play- without me! But the finishes- yikes! I'm happy to say the floor is gone and the cabinets have been professionally refinished (photos to come).  

The laminate flooring! I found an extra box in the attic and couldn't even give it away. Oh, and that light fixture cover has been ripped down as well. I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns.  

Looking into the backyard. These counters also have to go, but that's more of a "phase two" project. "Phase two" is code for "when we're no longer hemorrhaging cash from phase one."

The half bath. Part of the original kitchen apparently. Border has been removed but weird stenciling is still intact, waiting to be painted over. 

The basement bedroom which has become our playroom. This room has already made a big transformation. Can't wait to post the photos!

The master bedroom. The renters had a cat in here named Lola who couldn't be let out of the room for fear she would kill their other cat. So basically this room is haunted by a demon cat. Notice the shiny ceiling. A lot of the ceilings in this house were inexplicably painted with high-gloss paint. It took a lot of flat white to calm things down. 

The one and only full bath. Probably the biggest sacrifice we're making to live here, next to lack of closet and storage space. This bathroom is actually pretty big and since the girls are so little, sharing isn't too difficult, but if I'm being honest, yes, I very much miss having my own master bath. 

The girls' room, formerly the home of the cat who might get killed if the other cat got out. This sweet little cape-style room is on a floor of its own. We were able to rip out this carpet and restore the original hardwood underneath. And of course, it's been painted pink (photos to come). 

Not the best photos of the backyard, but we are thrilled to have such a big one in an area where space is at a premium. We have a double lot and a ton of space for the kids to play. I am desperately seeking a big playhouse for this yard but have yet to find one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg to move! The grass was probably two feet tall back here by the time we moved in and things were in pretty bad shape. Ben has put a lot of work into cleaning it up, and we are looking forward to landscaping it and spending a lot of days and nights enjoying it!

Having a hard time keeping my eyes open right now- rare for me! I will post progress pictures as soon as possible! 

Temporary home

I don't know if I'll be doing much Christmas decorating this year, so I thought I could at least make my seldom-updated blog look marginally jolly.

So much has happened since my last post in June. About a week later, we put our house on the market with little expectations. The necessary evil of moving had been looming over our heads for a while, and we knew it wasn't going to be any easier or more fun in six months or a year. Getting the house ready for showings with a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old home all summer was a little bit challenging, but we made it through. Looking back, I have to admit it was pretty nice to come home to a perfectly clean house each time we had to clear out of there. We had about one showing a week for three months and finally accepted an offer in late September, right when we were about to take it off the market until spring.

We were thrilled to sell the house, but the timing was terrible. We had already booked and paid for an 8-day vacation that would keep us out of the country until two days before we needed to be out of the house. Ben's parents had already taken vacation time and booked plane tickets to come stay with the girls while we were gone. October was an absolutely crazy month. We had limited time to move, and no time to look for something new. We didn't want to sign a long lease or pay for an expensive apartment, so we made the decision to stay with my parents in Cedarville for a while, until we find something we really want to buy.

I don't think I've ever left for a vacation more unprepared (I was just thankful we even remembered our passports), but we somehow made it, and we had the best, most relaxing trip with our good friends Nate & Beca. I didn't worry about the girls one bit because I knew they were having the time of their lives with Grandma & Grandpa. While we were gone, we explored an old fort in San Juan, Puerto Rico...

...enjoyed a beautiful beach day at Magen's Bay in St. Thomas, 

where the water is as calm as a swimming pool...

...had a super fun birthday for Beca with a catamaran lunch cruise and snorkeling in Barbados...

...were wowed by the lush beauty of St. Lucia and spent a relaxing day at the beach 

and kayaking between the Pitons...

...experienced the black sand of St. Kitts...

...and stood mesmerized watching jets fly over our heads at Maho Beach in St. Maarten (so many people have asked me if this photo is real- yes, it is real, and it is as insane as it looks!). 

Our vacation was awesome, but we were inevitably plunged back into reality the moment we got home, knowing we had less than 72 hours to finish moving out of our house (we had closed before leaving for our trip). And what a stressful and exhausting 72 hours those were. I don't recommend moving, to anyone, at any time, for any reason, ever. 

Selling the house was something we wanted and needed to do for a long time, and I thought I would feel so relieved, but when all was said and done, I found myself just sitting at my parents' house, surrounded by boxes and chaos, and just crying for like two days. I didn't feel free; I just felt homeless. I immediately missed the carefully constructed routine we had at home and didn't have the strength or energy to begin building another one. I'm so thankful for this free place to live in the interim, but it's hard being an hour away from the life you've had for the past 10 years. 

There are so many blessings to being here, though. We have several good friends who live right here who will keep us and the girls busy and entertained. We have two bedrooms, two bathrooms, our own kitchen, our own living room, and a garage- not a lot of people get that when they move back in with the parents! I am thankful to my grandma, who is now staying in a nursing home, for not minding that we've taken over her space. We are slowly but surely getting into a routine, and I have about half of our things settled, not including everything we have in storage in Columbus and the massive amount of boxes we have in the garage here. It's very interesting what a small percentage of your stuff you actually "need." 

One of the worst parts of this situation was taking Bennett out of her amazing preschool in Columbus, but she has already started going to the Cedarville Learning Center here, and I can tell she has a great teacher and classmates. In addition, she is now able to feed, water, and supervise her two chickens on a daily basis, along with her agribusiness partner, my dad. 

Lastly, the timing of our coming down here coincided almost exactly with my mom's beginning chemo treatment last week. As a lot of people know, she was diagnosed with cancer over 10 years ago and has had many physical and health struggles since that time. However, her cancer did not seem to be progressing quickly, so she and her doctors put off treatment as long as possible. But now, the time is here. I'm glad we're here during this time. I'm glad I can help drive my mom back and forth and just be here for her. Thankfully, the type of chemo she's taking is well-tolerated, and we don't expect her to get sick or lose her hair. We expect great results, actually, and are looking forward to hearing that she's in remission. 

Everyone keeps telling me that it's so good we can be here for my parents, but the truth is that they are really the ones here for us. My dad and Ben have been enjoying cooking up massive amounts of food together (today was steak and cheddar meatballs) and watching unhealthy amounts of football. The girls love running back and forth to see their grandparents whenever they feel like it. I thought Bennett would be the one to cause trouble, but it's actually Blake. Whenever she hears a word she doesn't like, such as "nap" or "bath," she immediately disappears and can usually be found cuddled up on Papa's lap, hiding. Almost every night, she demands "NANNY SING YOU!!" before she will fall asleep. And, I would say that Bennett spends 50% of her nights sleeping next to my mom in the living room. Are these terrible habits for them to get into? Possibly. Do I care right now? Not one bit. Life is short, and we're all living in temporary homes. At this time in my life, more than ever, I am realizing the only thing that really matters is just that you're there together, not where you are or what comes next. 

Hello, summer

Doesn't it seem like it takes forever for summer to arrive, and then when it gets here, it goes remarkably fast? I feel this way, and I don't even have kids in school yet. However, even with a light preschool schedule, summer still seems like a break from the normal routine. We don't have a lot planned for this summer, except for a week in Iowa in August, so the girls and I have a lot of free time on our hands. We do have some things going on- the occasional afternoon with a fun babysitter, Vacation Bible School for Bennett, trips down to Cedarville to see Nana and Papa, etc.- but, on most days, we have many long daytime hours to fill before Ben gets home, we have dinner, they go to bed, and I start to work.

Unfortunately, we can't take off and go somewhere every day. It's just too expensive and/or tiring. We're in a weird spot with Blake- old enough to be entering the terrible two's but still not walking independently. It is very difficult to do a lot of activities with a non-walker who weighs 28 pounds. It's just limiting for us, right now. It's not an exaggeration to say that my back is in knots all the time from lugging this adorable chubster around, even at home. Next summer, we should be good to go. But for now, we need some simple home entertainment. Oh, and did I mention we don't have much of a yard to speak of? Besides short stroller walks/bike rides and a little sidewalk chalk or bubbles (which results in Blake getting filthy from inevitably crawling on the blacktop- because what child her age wants to sit still on a blanket?), we get along best indoors.

Hi, I'm Blake, and I am ruining every outfit I own by crawling around outside.

As a mom, it seems wrong to say that sometimes I really don't know what to do with kids. It just doesn't come naturally to me. Growing up, I rarely babysat and didn't enjoy it. I used to babysit for a family with four boys, and I tried to play with them, but they eventually sent me to the couch with my book and opted to entertain themselves. :) I was the youngest on both sides of my family and was never really around kids who were younger than I was. It is absolutely true that when Bennett was born, I didn't really know how to change a diaper. Before Ben went back to work, he gave me a tutorial because I was afraid I was going to mess it up terribly and be the worst mother of all time.

Now, I'm completely confident in my ability to take care of my kids and keep them alive, but I'm just not good at entertaining. When Bennett and I play Barbies, I usually pretend I'm the housekeeper so I can clean/organize the Dream House. Seriously. So, this summer, I'm trying to do better and come up with some fun activities. We do love baking, but we can't do that every day because we just don't need that many baked goods around here. We have made sidewalk paint:

Which was fun to make, but didn't really "paint" that well.

We have made cloud dough:

But we weren't that impressed.

We tried making collages out of old magazines:

But Bennett lost interest and asked me to finish for her!

We'll keep trying. If I come up with anything good, I'll be sure to pass it along!

One more?

This blog is in definite danger of not getting updated again for another year. Work and the girls keep me so busy, I don't even keep up with the basics most of the time. I pray that the police never need to come into my home for any reason, or they will assume it's already been robbed and ransacked, and I will probably just let them believe it.

I am looking forward to a summer without a lot of things planned, with the exception of a trip to Iowa to see our family there and our new niece who will be born in just a couple of weeks! Little Blake is keeping me busy with her various doctor and therapy appointments. Next week, we will take her to an ENT to discuss putting tubes in her ears since she has had at least 4 ear infections since Christmas. Since she is still learning to walk at 20 months, we have to be extra careful with her ears since they will affect her balance. Last week, she was taking several independent steps at a time; this week, she doesn't want to try. She will get there eventually. I'm so thankful for the Ohio Help Me Grow program and the services we are getting through the county.

But on to what I'm actually meaning to blog about....It seems like so many people celebrate their 10th anniversaries with either a vacation or a baby. I'm excited to announce that for ours, we will be welcoming...a cruise to the southern Caribbean. I think I'm at this weird point in life where I've had the babies I intended and hoped to have, but a small voice keeps whispering, "There's still time for one more!" A lot of my friends and peers are having their third or fourth baby right now, so I'm still in that mode where it seems like a perfectly reasonable idea. Only, for us, it really isn't reasonable. We both work a lot, we have two kids who take absolutely all of our time and attention, we have support but most of our family lives beyond the reasonable "help" range, we are stuffed in an already-too-small house and have no idea when or if we'll get one with more room, and we're just plain tired. In addition, we rolled the dice and won with the fertility treatments we've already done, and what are the chances we'd wind up with just one baby if we tried again? Like I've always said, one of my main aims in life is to not qualify in any way for my own reality show.

Simply put, we're stretched thin, and I'm positive I couldn't handle another baby. I couldn't be more thrilled or fulfilled with the two little girls we have, and neither of us are disappointed in the least that we didn't have a boy. I was so miserably sick when I was pregnant with Blake, and by the end of the nine months, I could barely walk or breathe because she was so big and putting so much pressure on my body. Still, I can't help but think about pregnancy wistfully when I walk by the maternity section in a store, and feel sad I'll never feel another baby kicking me from the inside or doing flip-flops in my stomach. The newborn phase of not sleeping, the commitment of breastfeeding, and the struggle of making sure the baby gets back to birth weight- I could definitely do without living through that again. Yet, I get this stabbing pain in my heart sometimes when I go through the latest round of out-grown clothes and wind up hanging on to some that I just can't part with. (I told myself I could save one box of special clothes...it has already turned into two.)

As Blake gets bigger, I feel an aching inside that I can't keep her little and that the baby days will soon be over for us. For some reason, it's easier to let Bennett grow up. A part of her was grown up from the minute she was born. But Blake, she is the baby. The sweet, chubby, can't-walk baby who is slowly but surely becoming a toddler. The older they get, the more semblance of a life I regain, which makes me feel both happy and devastated at the same time. I often ask myself, do I really want another baby- or do I just want to relive the good parts of my pregnancies and my kids' babyhood all over again? And, whatever its source, when does this feeling go away? Does "one more" ever cure it, or does every mom feel this way and have to go through these emotions, even if she has six kids? If anyone has the answer, I'd love to know!

Sweet Beezy lying next to me today while I worked. Still a baby...for now. 

10 years ago today...

...I got engaged to this guy. So glad he asked!

Today is National Siblings Day...

That's a real thing. I did not make that up. Timely, because my sibling is aghast that I left him out of my post about living in Columbus, so I told him I owed him an entire post. For the record, I love you, Bubba, and I'm glad we live in the same city. You help me keep my sanity, and in so many ways, nobody knows me better than you. I have so many good memories of us growing up together. When we were little, I would love the chance to go sleep in your room. You would give me tours of your room in the dark using a flashlight. And of course, there was that one time we put baby powder on blades of your ceiling fan and made it "snow." I guess living in Texas, we were pretty desperate for a winter wonderland of some kind. When we went to the "no mixed bathing" church, we had fun filling up plastic garbage cans with water and "swimming" in them. We watched the movie "Annie" so many times we wore the VHS tape out, along with our other favorites "Cloak and Dagger" and the TV movie "Rags to Riches." And I still remember the password to our clubhouse- "magma." I guess one of us must have been learning about volcanoes at school.

Later I remember having our two bedrooms as the only two rooms on the "third floor" of our house. We would freeze in the winter and burn up in the summer. Then we got a window unit for your room, hung a heavy blanket at the top of the stairs, and we were golden. I loved the snow days when I would watch you play Super Mario Brothers all day long. I never wanted to play myself- I just liked watching you play. When you got a job at Taco Bell and got your red 1992 Chevy Cavalier, I thought we were the coolest people in the world riding around in it with no parents. Our summer in Peoria with Kari and Val was some of the most fun I've ever had in my life. Rest in peace, Myron Hummel.

We got extra time together living in Cedarville, and I'm thankful for that. You have always been my friend as well as my brother, and I think we got to enjoy that more than other siblings in their teens and early 20s. Letting me come live with you in North Carolina for a while when I needed a break from college meant the world to me. I remember one day we spent just roaming around Chapel Hill, going in old bookshops, etc. It's hard to believe that's going on 15 years ago.

If you think about it, we've hardly spent that much time living far away from each other in the past 30+ years. Not a lot of siblings can say that. I know that NOTHING has ever been easy or fair for you. I think I've always known that even when I was too young to understand it. I know the past several years have been hard on our relationship as well as just plain hard. No matter what, I love you and I want to see you happy, healthy, and at peace. Every girl should be lucky enough to have had a big brother like you!

(Due to the lateness of the hour, I'm posting the first picture of us together that I could find. Do you still have those short shorts?)

Home

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "home." I know it means different things to different people, and everyone knows that home is where the heart is, but I'm considering it in a more geographical manner. I was born here:

Chicago (source)

But I don't remember it much. When I was still a baby, my dad got fed up with the cold, windy weather and riding the train to work each day, so we moved here:

Houston (source)

And this is the first home I knew. I remember a lot about growing up in Texas- our church, my elementary school, our house, and our neighborhood pool. And the bluebonnets:

(source)

But eventually, my dad got tired of working long hours and never spending time with us, and my parents decided to move back to where they both grew up and where both their families still were:

St. Louis (source)

And this place will always feel like home to me. Even though I haven't lived there in almost 15 years, part of me will always want to be there on any given day. I love the Cardinals, love the Blues, love toasted ravioli, and love all my friends and family who are still there. But, much to my disappointment, right before my sophomore year of high school, I was transplanted here: 

OK, so this might not be an actual picture of Cedarville, Ohio, but I pretty much thought I was moving into some cornfields in the middle of nowhere. And I was, but I loved it. I loved going to a small high school, making new lifelong friends, attending Friday night football games, etc. I felt like I was at summer camp for three full years. I stayed for college, and my parents still live there, so it still feels like home to me as well. 

In college, I met Ben, and over the past 12 years, I have spent quite a bit of time in the town he grew up in and where all his family still lives: 

Des Moines (source)

I have a special place in my heart for Des Moines, even though I've never lived there. I love eating Tasty Tacos. I love the Iowa State Fair. I love that being there reminds me of being 22 and not having a real job or real responsibilities. And, mostly, I love being with our family there because they are some of my favorite people in the world. As an added bonus, my best friend lives there, too. As a matter of fact, she lives in the blue-roofed building on the right side of the picture. Hi, Courtney! 

For the past nine years, though, we have lived here:

Columbus (source)

And to be honest, I have never really considered it home. I'm not sure why. The house we currently live in, I have lived in just as long as I have lived in any house in my life. But it just seems temporary. Maybe that's why our bedroom looks like a dorm room. We moved here right after we got married, with no jobs. Over the years, we have worked, bought a house, made friends, joined a church, and had two kids. But I've never really felt established here. I think I've always had in the back of my mind that we would move- closer to my parents in the Dayton area, or to St. Louis, or to Des Moines. 

And goodness knows, we tried to get out of here many times. As our frustrations came to a boil at the beginning of this year, we prayed HARD that God would show us what He wanted for us and where He wanted us to be. He answered by providing Ben with a new job right here in Columbus. A job that Ben loves and seems tailor-made for his skills, interests, and personality. So, even though my heart was leading me away, I'm completely sure now that this is where we're supposed to be and that this is our home for the foreseeable future. And having that question settled makes me happy and content. Our next step will be to determine where we really want to live and hopefully move out of our "starter house" (you know, the one we'd never live in after having kids...right) and into a family home where we can raise the girls and send them to school. 

There are a lot of things to love about Columbus. There's nothing like going to a Buckeyes football game and at least I can see the Blues when they're in town. We have Jeni's, of course. And in the summer, we get light until almost 10:00. We love our church, and I have friends here I'd miss terribly if we ever left. If you're reading this, and your name is Beca, Alisa, Amie, or Lia, I'm talking about you! Thank you! 

I think something I needed in my 30s was to have the geographical question of "home" settled, and now that has happened. I'm looking forward to digging in and embracing it!

An entire year...

It's officially been a year since I updated this blog. I have thought about it many, many times, and for some reason, I always put it off. It's hard to believe I'm already staring down 33 when it seems I just turned 30 five minutes ago. I firmly believe that time starts going faster at certain points of your life. I felt it speeding up when I got married, then going a little faster after Bennett was born, and it seems to have turned into warp speed since Blake arrived.

I was really optimistic about my "30 in my 30s" list when I turned 30. I had a fairly easy-to-take-care-of 18-month-old at the time and life was going pretty smoothly, even though working at home presented its challenges. I have since come to accept that "survival mode" may just be a way of life when you have two little kids, a house, and a job. I've realized that 30-35 might just be the busiest and most exhausting years of my life.

Motherhood hasn't turned out quite like I had pictured it. I didn't think I had unrealistic expectations, but looking back, maybe I did. I imagined Bennett would be a smart, pretty little girl who would enjoy reading books and having quiet conversations with me. We would discuss music and current events. She would love dressing up and having her hair curled or braided. In short, I might have been expecting a mini adult. I could never have anticipated who she is. Smart, yes. Scarily so. Pretty, definitely. But, oh the energy and craziness and loudness and stubbornness this girl possesses. She has more determination than I think I've ever had in my life. She exhausts me on a daily basis, challenges me at almost every opportunity. I never anticipated a child with such a strong will, who would hate taking baths, refuse to try new foods, and freak out every time I get near her with a hairbrush. She is not a normal child- and I mean that in a very good way. I'm convinced she was born to achieve extraordinary things. However, she has to survive into adulthood first. If we make it through each day in one piece, I consider it a success.

As much as I believe Bennett was born to set the world on fire, I believe Blake was born to make everyone around her just happy to be alive. Sweet and slobbery, she is now 19 months old and still not standing or walking. She's been identified as having low muscle tone and gross motor skill development is a challenge for her. With physical therapy, she'll catch up and be just fine. Still, it's hard to watch your baby struggle or not develop like the other kids around her. She's our happy girl. Loves to eat, loves to look at books, loves to cuddle, and gets so excited to see each of her family members each day. Having to lift and carry this super chunk all the time has really started to wear me down physically. With Beezy, it's another day, another back ache.

At the end of each day, I honestly just want to crash. Taking care of these girls takes everything I have, and I still have to find time somewhere in there to work at my "real job." Sitting down at the computer at 8:30 pm to work shouldn't feel like a break, but many times, it does. I have two high-school babysitters who are my saving grace. Katheryn lives across the street and has been watching Bennett since she was a baby. Elizabeth goes to our church and has a flexible schedule since she is home-schooled. My mom comes up every third week or so to stay for a few days and help me out. She struggles so much physically but still makes every effort to be a helpful, involved grandma. My dad is awesome with the girls, too. We miss our family in Iowa, but I am so thankful for the help that I do have!

If there's any time left over in a day, I find myself not wanting to spend it working on DIY projects or reading for self-improvement. I want chocolate, I want my DVR, and then I want a few precious hours of sleep before starting it all over again in the morning.

So, that's kind of where I am in life right now. I realized recently that the entire time I was growing up, I looked forward to and imagined certain things that were to come- going to college, getting married, getting a job, getting a house, having babies...but I really didn't consider much about what came after all that. And now, that time is here. I guess figuring all that out is more what my 30s are going to be about than my "to-accomplish" list, though I still want to work on that as well. I'll try not to wait another year before updating again.

A Separate Peace

I think it's been about a year since I blogged about being a work-at-home mom, how it was not turning out the way I thought it would, and how it was completely draining me and stressing me out. I felt so chained to my work throughout the day and felt like I was failing as a mom- all while pregnant and terrified about how I could possibly pull this off with another kid thrown in the mix. I vowed to find a way to let myself off the hook a little bit, to give Bennett and me an occasional break from one another, and to find a better way of getting everything accomplished.

A year certainly does make a difference! I have to admit I continued to run myself into the ground working until about a week before Blake was born- but all for the purpose of giving myself a four-month "maternity leave" which I greatly enjoyed and which (of course) went by like the blink of an eye. One thing I did accomplish during that four-month time period was getting Bennett into a two-day-a-week preschool program at a local church. She was more than ready for something like that, and it has been great for her. However, I didn't really do myself any favors as far as working, since the church is 15 miles away and I spend pretty much the whole day getting there, dropping her off and turning back around to pick her up again and get back home. We'll be finding something closer for next year.

Anyway, when January 1 rolled around, I found myself in tears at the prospect of having to dive back into my life as a work-at-home mom- not that I don't like or want to work, but I was just dreading that guilt of always being half-present, never feeling like we could go anywhere during the day, being in our pajamas at 2:00 pm with Bennett watching her third Caillou episode of the day, etc. I kind of knew what I had to do, even though I really didn't want to do it. I started working only at night and on the weekends.

I never wanted to do this because I considered it my only "down time." I felt like I would never get a break and would be basically working, in one form or another, from sun up until bedtime, and my life would totally suck. But, with two kids now (even with one of them being the world's easiest baby), I didn't see another way. And what I discovered was that I wish I would have done it a lot sooner. Separating work and motherhood this way has given me a relief and a peace that I wasn't sure was even possible. During the day, I can fully be "mom" without distraction. I don't rush through everything we do so that I can get back to work as quickly as possible. I enjoy shuttling Bennett to and from preschool and gymnastics, occasionally meeting friends for "playdates" (as much as I hate that word), getting stuff done around the house, and basically just spending more focused, quality time with my kids. And I've found that I can still get my work done by spending only 2-3 nights a week (usually just 2) working, as well as one block of time over the weekend, whether that's Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon, or whenever.

The crazy thing is that I don't really feel like I'm sacrificing that much "down time." To be honest, after a long day with the kids, I actually find that sitting down in a quiet room with my laptop and a snack or drink is somewhat relaxing. Ben takes the girls upstairs to play, get baths, and get to bed. And he doesn't mind a bit because A) he's an awesome husband and dad, and B) he hasn't been with them all day so he's kind of coming in fresh off the bench as far as the energy and patience for parenting is concerned. Most nights, we still have at least an hour or two to relax together and watch important television programming such as Teen Mom before we fall exhausted into bed.

My sweet mom also helps me out every other week, either by coming up here for a couple of days to help me out or by taking Bennett for a night or two to give me some extra time to work and some quiet time with Blake. I appreciate her so much!

So, although it's still not easy, I think I have finally found the balance I was so desperately seeking, and we have a workable plan for where we are in life right now. However, I can't lie- a lot of days, we are still in our pajamas at 2:00 pm!

Vintage Valentines

Happy Valentine's Day! This is not a holiday I care that much about, but every random holiday is made more fun with kids around, it seems. This was Bennett's first year giving/receiving preschool Valentines, which was fun once I convinced her that it was OK to distribute the ones she had chosen and she didn't need to keep them all for herself. She also had a lot of fun making Valentine cookies with our next-door neighbor Ella yesterday. The two of them broke open a bag of powdered sugar and had a "snow fight." She came home covered from head to toe in powdered sugar, and I think she must have inhaled some too, because she ran around in circles for several minutes, on a massive sugar high. Good times. Those two are definitely a recipe for trouble.

Earlier today I was remembering what I was doing a year ago today- I had one of my first ultrasounds to see Blake and I remember just praying that I could make it to the doctor's office and not have to pull over on the highway to throw up. I think I threw up six times during my ultrasound. And I doubt I will ever eat cinnamon toast again. Today I cleaned up possibly the biggest blow-out I have ever encountered as parent- at a restaurant- on a gross changing table- with very poor lighting- and I still think I had a much better Valentine's Day than I did last year! Thanks, Blake!

I had some fun decorating this year, too. My good friend Beca and I are currently obsessed with going to antique stores, and I found these vintage Valentines that I couldn't pass up. They're all signed on the back- some in pencil- and it just makes me wonder how old they actually are and whatever happened to the little kids who signed them all those years ago. I honestly think I could sit in an antique shop for hours and comb through old cards, postcards, and pictures. I'm trying not to be a hoarder and bring them all home, but some I just can't resist! Happy Valentine's Day!

'Tis the season...

You might say I've been remiss in my blogging lately, and in my list-accomplishing, and in my changing out of sweatpants, etc., etc., etc. The truth is that having two kids is really kicking my butt, and I haven't even gone back to work yet. I worked so hard to have these few months off with my kids, and one of the things I desired most was to be able to relax and truly enjoy the holidays. I'm really trying, but life right now seems to be one big lesson in reality vs. expectations. What I pictured was a clean house, a freezer full of meals I'd have all fall to stock up on, a family day getting and decorating the Christmas tree, Bennett falling asleep to a CD of Christmas music each night with visions of sugar plums dancing in her head, matching pajamas and stockings for the girls, etc. Reality, however, is that my house is a constant mess (sometimes I think I would give my left arm to have a toy room or a craft room or just another ROOM for all this stuff), Bennett has a double ear infection and strep throat and will currently eat only popsicles, she finds the Disney Christmas CD to be "scary," we have so little time in the evening that we've been trying for 5 days and have only accomplished getting the tree and putting lights on it (who needs ornaments?), no children's clothing manufacturer seems to make matching PJs for a 3-month-old and a 3-year-old for a reasonable sum, and my homemade stockings are looking a little janky (but that's another blog post).

One thing I really wanted to do this year was to create an advent calendar for Bennett. There are so many cute ones available that look like trains or gingerbread houses, but I really have no place to put one and I really have no place to store one. Plus, if you know my daughter you know she would clean that thing out the first day and demand a refill. So I settled on using our banister to create one. I just wish I had a better camera to show pictures of it. I just strung a wired ribbon around the banister and attached with ribbon 24 circles I cut out of Christmas-themed scrapbook paper and punched holes through. On the front of each circle I wrote the number for the date and on the back I wrote the surprise or activity for the day. You know, like "pick up all your toys," "get a flu shot," "give mommy a back rub," etc. All right, I'm not that horrible of a parent. There are fun things on there like going to the indoor water park for her birthday and I also have several Christmas books I ordered through her preschool and Scholastic Book Club (so cheap!) that I am excited to give her. Now if we could only get around to decorating that tree...

Blake Anna

She's here! And I knew she would be a girl. :) Blake Anna arrived at 10:29 am on Wednesday, August 31. She weighed 9 pounds (hmmmm, no wonder I was so uncomfortable the last couple months of this pregnancy) and was 20.5 inches long. She is just perfect. So cute, chubby, sweet, and cuddly.

My labor and delivery went pretty well. My water broke at home at about 3:00 am. As weird as it sounds, that is an experience I always wondered about and kind of wanted to have. You really can hear a "pop" and then the deluge begins! What a crazy feeling! After driving through the middle of a police chase, we made it downtown to the hospital about 4:00 am. I labored hard for about 2-3 hours while waiting- very, very impatiently- for my epidural. It was smooth sailing after that. My doctor arrived about 10:20, and a few pushes later, she was out! I expected her to look just like Bennett- she doesn't. The first thing I noticed was that she was a lot bigger!

They didn't take her away from me for over an hour, so we didn't know how much she weighed at first. Ben went with her up to the nursery for her bath and tests, and he texted me her weight and length. I just had to laugh. Big "sistie" Bennett was really hoping for a girl. She was so excited to meet her and has been wonderful with her so far.

Everything is going well at home, but those late-night feedings sure leave me exhausted. Ben has been off work, so I've had plenty of time to catch up on sleep during the day, but I have no idea what I'll do when he goes back to work later this week! It should be interesting. I'm more grateful than ever to have the rest of this year off work to make this adjustment. I'm so thankful for my awesome husband and both of our healthy, beautiful girls. I am so blessed!