Almost halfway

So, in a few months, the best decade ever will be half over. I have a lot of emotions about this. So much in my life has changed- another child, a new job for Ben, a new home, the start of the school years, etc. In many ways, it's been a very full and happy five years, though not without its share of heartaches and frustrations.

I'd like to say that I don't feel like I'm getting older, but I do. And it bothers me constantly. I've realized that one of the biggest ironies of life is that just as you begin to realize how truly fast it goes by, it starts going by even faster. I have written to my daughters that it's a stone rolling down a hill, unstoppable, and gaining speed every moment. It's, at once, extremely motivating and completely paralyzing.

I am not the same person I was when I turned 30. When I turned 30, I was still a bit more optimistic about time. I knew I was getting older, but it still didn't feel that way. It felt like time to chart new territory. Growing up, I made a lot of plans in my head but none of them took into account that there'd still be a lot of life left to live past 2010. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids- then what? I was so busy setting up a life that I never considered it much. I never wondered how I'd bear up under the daily grind of getting up, taking care of my kids (a far more consuming task than I'd ever thought possible), working, fixing meals, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, fulfilling those million small obligations that represent just about every moment of our ever-diminishing time. You.start.to.feel.like.you.are.disappearing.

Five years ago, making a list of 30 things to do during my 30s was something I needed to do because it made facing that birthday a lot easier. And, they weren't bad goals. I've completed a handful of them and will continue working on others. But I've realized there's no actual virtue for me in making a quilt or re-learning how to play the piano. Would I love to do those things? Sure! Was I born to do those things? No. So, do I really have enough weeks, days, and hours left to pursue them? Some days, I'm lucky to get a shower or an actual meal. Should I use any extra time I come up with to become a better scrapbooker?

The older my daughters become, the more I realize that I can't just tell them they can pursue any dream they want, become anything they want. I have to show them. I don't want them to grow up and say, "My mom sat safely on the sofa and encouraged me by saying I could achieve whatever I worked hard at." I want them to say, "My mom is the type of person I aspire to be. She showed me that I can achieve my goals because she worked hard and achieved her own." In light of this realization, I have revised my 30 things list as follows:

1. Write.
2. Write.
3. Write.
4. Write.
5. Write.
6. Write.
7. Write.
8. Write.
9. Write.
10. Write.
11. Write.
12. Write.
13. Write.
14. Write.
15. Write.
16. Write.
17. Write.
18. Write.
19. Write.
20. Write.
21. Write.
22. Write.
23. Write.
24. Write.
25. Write.
26. Write.
27. Write.
28. Write.
29. Write.
30. Write.