WAHM bam

Just so that no one is fooled into thinking I'm sitting at home in a blissful state of contentment all the time, I thought I would also write about an area in which I'm struggling. This is also a post that has been brewing in my mind for a long, long time, and something that's a little hard to write about, since people tend to have strong feelings on the subject of moms and working.

I have always wanted to be a mom. And, I have always wanted to work. Well, maybe not so much work as write. And since I am a working writer, I always assumed these two would be one in the same. When I was pregnant with Bennett, I never considered quitting work to become a "full-time" mom. I knew it would be easy (or thought it would be, anyway) to work from home, and my employer agreed to let me, so there was the perfect solution- I could have it all.

Let me tell you how I feel after two years of "having it all."

Tired.

Stressed.

Anxious.

Emotionally drained.

And honestly, a little depressed.

I've been working really hard this whole time to figure out how I can "do this" and do it well, rather than just getting by. It isn't easy to compose 3,000 word narratives when you have a toddler who won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself, let alone type a complete paragraph without interruption. Doing my work is a lot harder now, and frustrating at times, but I'm still satisfied that I'm doing a good job.

I am not satisfied, however, with the job I'm doing as a mom. Let me start by saying that I don't have a very laid-back child. She isn't bad at all, but she just wants attention and doesn't like playing by herself that much. It's like she really needs an older sibling but had the bad luck of being born first. I don't like the amount of TV she watches, but sometimes it's the only way I can get work done. It makes me feel so guilty when she wants something from me and I have to tell her to wait until I finish up what I'm working on. I definitely strive to make her my priority- when she needs a clean diaper, something to eat or drink, help with a toy, etc., I always drop what I'm working on right away. But I can't always just sit down and work puzzles with her or show her YouTube videos of people going down water slides in plastic chairs (don't ask why, she just loves it), and that makes me feel bad.

As she's gotten older, I've made it my goal to go out and do something "fun" a couple times a week, whether it's story time at the library, going to the park, or even just meeting Ben for lunch if I have a doctor's appointment or other errand. I'm quickly learning, though, that even getting out of the house for a couple of hours takes up the majority of the day when all is said and done. It adds up to me being behind on work and wondering when I'll find the time to get caught up.

So, to say the least, I don't feel like I "have it all." I have tried in vain to strike the best balance of everything, and I come up short, time and time again. I can't even seem to find the right balance of working and being a mom, let alone anything else, like keeping my house as clean as I'd like it (I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by a mess) or spending time with friends or finding time for any sort of hobbies like sewing or scrapbooking or gardening (lame hobbies, I know, but I like them- or I would like them if I had time).

I should probably mention that I do have a fantastic husband who helps out as much as he can. He is a very hands-on dad, and he has never been afraid of housework, cooking, or laundry, although I am fairly sure if I died the toilets might never get scrubbed again. He never puts pressure on me to be all things to all people at all times- I know that pressure comes from within, but I still can't seem to shake it. I feel like it's my responsibility not only to contribute financially with the money I make, but to contribute financially with the money I save by us not having to pay for child care. This means that I never pay for a babysitter and always rely on my parents- who live an hour away- to watch her when I need someone, which of course is less than ideal, logistically speaking. This means that Bennett and I spend all day, every day, together, with no breaks.

For months and months and months, I've been trying to change myself- to change my perspective, to change my schedule, to change my attitude, to pray for more wisdom, more patience, more strength, more contentment. This week I started trying to potty-train Bennett and I became overwhelmed- how can I research the organizational structure of businesses while simultaneously watching for the telltale signs of someone who needs to poop? How can I possibly potty-train while I'm working? Google that and you'll find a lot of advice on how to work with the babysitter or daycare center to get the job done. Then it kind of hit me...

I've set myself up to fail. My base assumption has been wrong from the outset...that I can do it all, and do it all well. Maybe it's time to realize that it just isn't working, and instead of torturing myself over what I can do to make it work, I need to change the set up entirely. Bennett is my priority, and I'm starting to understand that having a drained, stressed-out mom isn't what's best for her. (And yes, I know it's only going to get harder when the new baby arrives). I think this is where a lot of moms might say, "I'm quitting my job and we'll make financial sacrifices and cut coupons and we'll make it work." I don't think there is a right or wrong for a mom in my position, and every family has to do what's best for them. However, I'm not going to quit my job. I need to work, and I want to work. And Bennett probably needs a break from me as much as I need a break from her sometimes. So, I'm going to look into daycare or getting a babysitter one day a week, or even just one afternoon. I'm going to give myself a few hours during the week to work, to think, to breathe. I think a change in set up will do us all some good and make us all a little happier.

Now, I have to go, my boss is calling me. I'll let you guess which one!