They say it's my birthday...

It just seems like I need to post something since it's my birthday. I got back late last night from a girls' weekend in Florida, and Bennett & I have been doing absolutely nothing all day long. There is nothing I would rather do than spend my birthday hanging out with her!

My birthday really snuck up on me this year- 31 is just not the same as 30 :) I have been thinking a lot about the past year. There were a lot of ups and downs, but it was a good year. This year promises to be the same- a new baby on the way will certainly keep things interesting! It's hard to believe my 3rd trimester is almost here.

Even though traveling at 25 weeks pregnant was really tiring, I was grateful for a few days at the beach. Walking by the ocean or watching the sun set over the water just gives me such a peaceful feeling. I'm thankful for all my blessings and looking forward to another year with my family and friends!

Closing in on a year...

I was just sitting here thinking that almost the entire month of April has gone by and I have only posted once. Life has been so busy lately and May is going to be even busier. I can't believe the first year of my 30s will be over in less than a month. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I've accomplished so far and what kind of year it's been. I would definitely say it's been an eventful year, full of highs and lows. I've worked on several of my list items, but I know full well in the back of my mind that I have not tackled any of the really difficult ones, the scary ones, the ones I haven't even yet had the guts to share with anyone, let alone take on head-first.

I'd like to say that the second year of my 30s is going to focus on accomplishing some of these tough goals but realistically, that isn't going to happen. I'm having a baby in about 4 months, and there's going to be an adjustment period, and before I know it I'm going to be 32. I'm OK with this, though. There's nothing on my list that's more important to me than my kids, so they're always going to get the priority. I'm only planning on having two, and I know the next few years of their "littleness" will be tons of work for me and at the same time, will go by so fast. It's not that I won't have any time to work on personal goals, but I just know that time will be limited.

A little while back I posted about how working at home and being a full-time mom was really stressing me out. Things are still kind of frustrating (especially with potty training- any advice is welcomed) but I do have a wonderful friend who is now watching Bennett one morning a week, and I am so thankful! I have to admit that so far I have not even used any of this time to get work done. One week I went to the dentist and another week I spent the whole time straightening up my house for company coming over the weekend. But, it was so nice to have those few hours to myself to get some things done. That little break makes a big difference in my week, and it's great for Bennett to have a change of scenery and another kid to play with as well. So, thank you, "Miss Lela"!

I've also been working hard these past four months- and will be working hard the next four months- to finish all my work for 2011 by the end of August. The baby is due September 4, so s/he better not come early! :) I'm planning to take off September, October, November, and December just to be with my kids and get through the initial transition of 1 to 2. I'm really excited about this. It's a lot of extra work/stress right now, but I think it will be worth it!

In other news, I did try a new recipe recently for Orange Chicken Piccata. While it looked lovely...

...it tasted just OK. Not worth posting the recipe. The sauce was fine, but it turned out tough. Maybe it's the technique but I have yet to find a stove-top chicken recipe that satisfies. I am convinced that chicken is meant to be either baked, broiled or grilled.

I also finished another book- The Last Child by John Hart.

I would classify it as "pretty good but not stellar." I was convinced about halfway through the book that I had the plot twist totally figured out- it focuses on a boy searching for his missing twin sister and the detective who helps him- but I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was wrong. I like a book that can surprise you. However, one of my pet peeves is child characters who are ridiculously mature and insightful and speak in totally unrealistic, adult-like dialogue. I would say the author is guilty of that in this work. 

Back to my busy week! There is a royal wedding going on and it's not for William & Kate. :) Very excited for my friends Tim & Alisa this weekend! Too bad I didn't put "Be a pregnant matron of honor" on my list. :)

Back to the list...

So, if I want to try 300 new recipes during my 30s, I need to try 30 a year, and I'm not doing that great so far. I thought it would be a lot easier, but I guess I'm not as adventurous as I thought, or I just don't take the time. Or, I get pregnant and throw up for a few months and can't imagine eating anything but saltines, let alone trying something new. But even when I wasn't eating much, I was looking forward to enjoying food again and thinking of fun ways to find and try new recipes. I came up with a couple of ideas. The first came by looking at my baking/spices cabinet. This is what it currently looks like:

This picture doesn't do it justice, but it's a total mess. Everything is thrown in there, and it's impossible to find what I'm looking for when I need it. I knock at least four things out every time I look for something in there. It is in dire need of organization! I do have a lot of great stuff in there, though- thanks to my dad's influence and a wonderful spice store we have here in Columbus (Penzey's)- so I know there are limitless cooking ideas waiting for me in there if I just take the time to look. So, one of my goals is to get this cabinet organized and see how many recipe ideas I can come up with based on fun spices and things that I already have. 

My second idea came from looking at the family cookbook. My great-aunt put this cookbook together at least 25 years ago and it features recipes from almost everyone on my dad's mom's side of the family (she was one of 10 kids, so it's a big family). My grandma had a copy for me and saved it all those years to give to me at my wedding shower. I cherish it!

I recently realized that the only recipes I ever really use out of this book are the ones that come from my own little part of the family, specifically my parents. I thought it might be a fun idea to try to "cook my way" through it. I don't know if it will be possible to make every single recipe, though. One of my great-grandfather's calls for at least 30 hens. So that one's probably not going to happen. But a lot of them would probably be great to try, so I'm going to start on that, too.

I've also made a couple of new recipes out of Taste of Home. Ben got me a subscription for Christmas, and it is one of the best gifts ever! I have never made anything out of Taste of Home that wasn't good. Last week I tried this Mediterranean Shrimp Skillet which was labor-intensive but good- thankfully my brother was here to help me saute the shrimp- I always do it wrong and overcook them. I also made these baked tomatoes to accompany the dish- but I was not overly impressed. I love the idea of baked tomatoes, though, so if anyone has a recipe or suggestions, let me know. 

I'm also behind on reviewing books, but I have finished a couple lately. I have to say that I loved, loved, loved Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls.

I loved Walls's memoir The Glass Castle, so I was excited to read another one of her works. This is a "true-life" novel about her grandmother, Lily Casey Smith, who was born around the turn of the century and spent her life ranching, teaching, and raising a family. I love the voice she gave to her grandmother and how she clearly tried to stay 100% true to who her grandmother really was. The dialogue is realistic (something I really love in a book), and it draws you in from page 1- you're instantly transported into Lily's life and want to dive right in. My only complaint about the book is that it ends rather abruptly, and I would have liked a bit more closure on Lily's life. But all in all, I really enjoyed it and would highly recommend it! One of the best books I have read this year. 

WAHM bam

Just so that no one is fooled into thinking I'm sitting at home in a blissful state of contentment all the time, I thought I would also write about an area in which I'm struggling. This is also a post that has been brewing in my mind for a long, long time, and something that's a little hard to write about, since people tend to have strong feelings on the subject of moms and working.

I have always wanted to be a mom. And, I have always wanted to work. Well, maybe not so much work as write. And since I am a working writer, I always assumed these two would be one in the same. When I was pregnant with Bennett, I never considered quitting work to become a "full-time" mom. I knew it would be easy (or thought it would be, anyway) to work from home, and my employer agreed to let me, so there was the perfect solution- I could have it all.

Let me tell you how I feel after two years of "having it all."

Tired.

Stressed.

Anxious.

Emotionally drained.

And honestly, a little depressed.

I've been working really hard this whole time to figure out how I can "do this" and do it well, rather than just getting by. It isn't easy to compose 3,000 word narratives when you have a toddler who won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself, let alone type a complete paragraph without interruption. Doing my work is a lot harder now, and frustrating at times, but I'm still satisfied that I'm doing a good job.

I am not satisfied, however, with the job I'm doing as a mom. Let me start by saying that I don't have a very laid-back child. She isn't bad at all, but she just wants attention and doesn't like playing by herself that much. It's like she really needs an older sibling but had the bad luck of being born first. I don't like the amount of TV she watches, but sometimes it's the only way I can get work done. It makes me feel so guilty when she wants something from me and I have to tell her to wait until I finish up what I'm working on. I definitely strive to make her my priority- when she needs a clean diaper, something to eat or drink, help with a toy, etc., I always drop what I'm working on right away. But I can't always just sit down and work puzzles with her or show her YouTube videos of people going down water slides in plastic chairs (don't ask why, she just loves it), and that makes me feel bad.

As she's gotten older, I've made it my goal to go out and do something "fun" a couple times a week, whether it's story time at the library, going to the park, or even just meeting Ben for lunch if I have a doctor's appointment or other errand. I'm quickly learning, though, that even getting out of the house for a couple of hours takes up the majority of the day when all is said and done. It adds up to me being behind on work and wondering when I'll find the time to get caught up.

So, to say the least, I don't feel like I "have it all." I have tried in vain to strike the best balance of everything, and I come up short, time and time again. I can't even seem to find the right balance of working and being a mom, let alone anything else, like keeping my house as clean as I'd like it (I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by a mess) or spending time with friends or finding time for any sort of hobbies like sewing or scrapbooking or gardening (lame hobbies, I know, but I like them- or I would like them if I had time).

I should probably mention that I do have a fantastic husband who helps out as much as he can. He is a very hands-on dad, and he has never been afraid of housework, cooking, or laundry, although I am fairly sure if I died the toilets might never get scrubbed again. He never puts pressure on me to be all things to all people at all times- I know that pressure comes from within, but I still can't seem to shake it. I feel like it's my responsibility not only to contribute financially with the money I make, but to contribute financially with the money I save by us not having to pay for child care. This means that I never pay for a babysitter and always rely on my parents- who live an hour away- to watch her when I need someone, which of course is less than ideal, logistically speaking. This means that Bennett and I spend all day, every day, together, with no breaks.

For months and months and months, I've been trying to change myself- to change my perspective, to change my schedule, to change my attitude, to pray for more wisdom, more patience, more strength, more contentment. This week I started trying to potty-train Bennett and I became overwhelmed- how can I research the organizational structure of businesses while simultaneously watching for the telltale signs of someone who needs to poop? How can I possibly potty-train while I'm working? Google that and you'll find a lot of advice on how to work with the babysitter or daycare center to get the job done. Then it kind of hit me...

I've set myself up to fail. My base assumption has been wrong from the outset...that I can do it all, and do it all well. Maybe it's time to realize that it just isn't working, and instead of torturing myself over what I can do to make it work, I need to change the set up entirely. Bennett is my priority, and I'm starting to understand that having a drained, stressed-out mom isn't what's best for her. (And yes, I know it's only going to get harder when the new baby arrives). I think this is where a lot of moms might say, "I'm quitting my job and we'll make financial sacrifices and cut coupons and we'll make it work." I don't think there is a right or wrong for a mom in my position, and every family has to do what's best for them. However, I'm not going to quit my job. I need to work, and I want to work. And Bennett probably needs a break from me as much as I need a break from her sometimes. So, I'm going to look into daycare or getting a babysitter one day a week, or even just one afternoon. I'm going to give myself a few hours during the week to work, to think, to breathe. I think a change in set up will do us all some good and make us all a little happier.

Now, I have to go, my boss is calling me. I'll let you guess which one!

Contentment

This post has been brewing in my mind for a long time. I've had a lot going on in my head and in my heart but sometimes it's hard to articulate those feelings. I feel like God has been teaching me a lot about contentment in these past few months. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started looking at houses online. The truth is, we are just outgrowing our house, which is something I could never imagine happening. When we moved in almost six years ago, this place just seemed huge. I never imagined how much room a kid and all her related paraphernalia would take up. (I just had to spell check "paraphernalia," and no, I didn't spell it correctly on my own.) Now, with another kid on the way, I am stressing out, trying to figure out how we're all going to fit in here.

We need an extra bedroom.

We need a basement or some sort of storage area.

We need a play area that's separate from our living room. Our house is overrun with toys.

We need a yard that's bigger than a postage stamp.

We need to be in a better school district.

We need a quieter setting, without so many barking dogs, loud cars, and constant helicopter traffic overhead.

We need...We need...We need...and somewhere in the middle of these thoughts, I know that we really don't need any of those things. We already have so much more than 95 percent of the world. So many of the things I think are needs are really just wants. I'm kind of worn out on worrying about what we don't have when what we do have is so, so much. The truth is that the housing market here just isn't that great. It isn't the ideal time to sell, and from what I've found in our price range, there isn't much out there we're interested in buying. I just want to be content with what we have and where we are right now. So, I have prayed for contentment, and God has given it to me in abundance. Not just a sigh-of-acceptance kind of contentment, but a real, true contentment. It isn't ideal in the least, but I'm going to work hard to make the best use of the space we have and I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of doing so.

I know that we won't live in this house forever. And I also know that the next house is just the next step in life, and it all goes by so fast anyway. Too fast. It's hard to believe it was 7 years ago when we were living in our newlywed apartment with hand-me-down furniture. I actually miss those times, and I'm certain that someday I will miss these times as well. I don't want to rush through life, always reaching out and grabbing for the "next" thing. I think we forget too often that moving on to the next thing requires the current thing to be over- I can't wait for Bennett to be potty trained, but that also means she'll be older and might not want me to rock her to sleep at night. I can't wait until I can have some peace during the day to get work done, but that means she'll be going off to school and growing up. Today I put a pair of jeans on her and noticed they're getting a little small. I remember buying those jeans and thinking, "It will be forever until she grows into these." It goes by too, too fast. In the blink of an eye, we will be out of this house, and that much more of this short life will be gone forever.

This is not to say that I'm not keeping my eye out for potential new houses. As a matter of fact, we seriously looked at one a few weeks ago that was a complete steal (bank-owned) and could have been our dream house- with thousands of dollars and thousands of hours' worth of work, of course. However, someone else snatched it up before we could, and instead of feeling disappointed, the only thought that came to my head was, "I would live in a cardboard box as long as I could be with my family. We're all together, we're all healthy, and a house is just a house." I know it isn't my own positive thinking that made me feel that way, but the change the Lord has worked in my heart which I am so, so thankful for! Instead of fretting, I'm just content and really looking forward to what will come next in our lives- whenever and wherever that might be. I'm grateful that mapping that course is not a burden on our shoulders but has already been done for us. I don't want to miss out on right now because I'm so consumed with the future.

It's not list-related, but maybe this is one of the lessons I was meant to learn in my 30s. Probably would have helped to have learned it in my 20s, but better late than never. :)