Today is National Siblings Day...

That's a real thing. I did not make that up. Timely, because my sibling is aghast that I left him out of my post about living in Columbus, so I told him I owed him an entire post. For the record, I love you, Bubba, and I'm glad we live in the same city. You help me keep my sanity, and in so many ways, nobody knows me better than you. I have so many good memories of us growing up together. When we were little, I would love the chance to go sleep in your room. You would give me tours of your room in the dark using a flashlight. And of course, there was that one time we put baby powder on blades of your ceiling fan and made it "snow." I guess living in Texas, we were pretty desperate for a winter wonderland of some kind. When we went to the "no mixed bathing" church, we had fun filling up plastic garbage cans with water and "swimming" in them. We watched the movie "Annie" so many times we wore the VHS tape out, along with our other favorites "Cloak and Dagger" and the TV movie "Rags to Riches." And I still remember the password to our clubhouse- "magma." I guess one of us must have been learning about volcanoes at school.

Later I remember having our two bedrooms as the only two rooms on the "third floor" of our house. We would freeze in the winter and burn up in the summer. Then we got a window unit for your room, hung a heavy blanket at the top of the stairs, and we were golden. I loved the snow days when I would watch you play Super Mario Brothers all day long. I never wanted to play myself- I just liked watching you play. When you got a job at Taco Bell and got your red 1992 Chevy Cavalier, I thought we were the coolest people in the world riding around in it with no parents. Our summer in Peoria with Kari and Val was some of the most fun I've ever had in my life. Rest in peace, Myron Hummel.

We got extra time together living in Cedarville, and I'm thankful for that. You have always been my friend as well as my brother, and I think we got to enjoy that more than other siblings in their teens and early 20s. Letting me come live with you in North Carolina for a while when I needed a break from college meant the world to me. I remember one day we spent just roaming around Chapel Hill, going in old bookshops, etc. It's hard to believe that's going on 15 years ago.

If you think about it, we've hardly spent that much time living far away from each other in the past 30+ years. Not a lot of siblings can say that. I know that NOTHING has ever been easy or fair for you. I think I've always known that even when I was too young to understand it. I know the past several years have been hard on our relationship as well as just plain hard. No matter what, I love you and I want to see you happy, healthy, and at peace. Every girl should be lucky enough to have had a big brother like you!

(Due to the lateness of the hour, I'm posting the first picture of us together that I could find. Do you still have those short shorts?)

Home

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "home." I know it means different things to different people, and everyone knows that home is where the heart is, but I'm considering it in a more geographical manner. I was born here:

Chicago (source)

But I don't remember it much. When I was still a baby, my dad got fed up with the cold, windy weather and riding the train to work each day, so we moved here:

Houston (source)

And this is the first home I knew. I remember a lot about growing up in Texas- our church, my elementary school, our house, and our neighborhood pool. And the bluebonnets:

(source)

But eventually, my dad got tired of working long hours and never spending time with us, and my parents decided to move back to where they both grew up and where both their families still were:

St. Louis (source)

And this place will always feel like home to me. Even though I haven't lived there in almost 15 years, part of me will always want to be there on any given day. I love the Cardinals, love the Blues, love toasted ravioli, and love all my friends and family who are still there. But, much to my disappointment, right before my sophomore year of high school, I was transplanted here: 

OK, so this might not be an actual picture of Cedarville, Ohio, but I pretty much thought I was moving into some cornfields in the middle of nowhere. And I was, but I loved it. I loved going to a small high school, making new lifelong friends, attending Friday night football games, etc. I felt like I was at summer camp for three full years. I stayed for college, and my parents still live there, so it still feels like home to me as well. 

In college, I met Ben, and over the past 12 years, I have spent quite a bit of time in the town he grew up in and where all his family still lives: 

Des Moines (source)

I have a special place in my heart for Des Moines, even though I've never lived there. I love eating Tasty Tacos. I love the Iowa State Fair. I love that being there reminds me of being 22 and not having a real job or real responsibilities. And, mostly, I love being with our family there because they are some of my favorite people in the world. As an added bonus, my best friend lives there, too. As a matter of fact, she lives in the blue-roofed building on the right side of the picture. Hi, Courtney! 

For the past nine years, though, we have lived here:

Columbus (source)

And to be honest, I have never really considered it home. I'm not sure why. The house we currently live in, I have lived in just as long as I have lived in any house in my life. But it just seems temporary. Maybe that's why our bedroom looks like a dorm room. We moved here right after we got married, with no jobs. Over the years, we have worked, bought a house, made friends, joined a church, and had two kids. But I've never really felt established here. I think I've always had in the back of my mind that we would move- closer to my parents in the Dayton area, or to St. Louis, or to Des Moines. 

And goodness knows, we tried to get out of here many times. As our frustrations came to a boil at the beginning of this year, we prayed HARD that God would show us what He wanted for us and where He wanted us to be. He answered by providing Ben with a new job right here in Columbus. A job that Ben loves and seems tailor-made for his skills, interests, and personality. So, even though my heart was leading me away, I'm completely sure now that this is where we're supposed to be and that this is our home for the foreseeable future. And having that question settled makes me happy and content. Our next step will be to determine where we really want to live and hopefully move out of our "starter house" (you know, the one we'd never live in after having kids...right) and into a family home where we can raise the girls and send them to school. 

There are a lot of things to love about Columbus. There's nothing like going to a Buckeyes football game and at least I can see the Blues when they're in town. We have Jeni's, of course. And in the summer, we get light until almost 10:00. We love our church, and I have friends here I'd miss terribly if we ever left. If you're reading this, and your name is Beca, Alisa, Amie, or Lia, I'm talking about you! Thank you! 

I think something I needed in my 30s was to have the geographical question of "home" settled, and now that has happened. I'm looking forward to digging in and embracing it!

An entire year...

It's officially been a year since I updated this blog. I have thought about it many, many times, and for some reason, I always put it off. It's hard to believe I'm already staring down 33 when it seems I just turned 30 five minutes ago. I firmly believe that time starts going faster at certain points of your life. I felt it speeding up when I got married, then going a little faster after Bennett was born, and it seems to have turned into warp speed since Blake arrived.

I was really optimistic about my "30 in my 30s" list when I turned 30. I had a fairly easy-to-take-care-of 18-month-old at the time and life was going pretty smoothly, even though working at home presented its challenges. I have since come to accept that "survival mode" may just be a way of life when you have two little kids, a house, and a job. I've realized that 30-35 might just be the busiest and most exhausting years of my life.

Motherhood hasn't turned out quite like I had pictured it. I didn't think I had unrealistic expectations, but looking back, maybe I did. I imagined Bennett would be a smart, pretty little girl who would enjoy reading books and having quiet conversations with me. We would discuss music and current events. She would love dressing up and having her hair curled or braided. In short, I might have been expecting a mini adult. I could never have anticipated who she is. Smart, yes. Scarily so. Pretty, definitely. But, oh the energy and craziness and loudness and stubbornness this girl possesses. She has more determination than I think I've ever had in my life. She exhausts me on a daily basis, challenges me at almost every opportunity. I never anticipated a child with such a strong will, who would hate taking baths, refuse to try new foods, and freak out every time I get near her with a hairbrush. She is not a normal child- and I mean that in a very good way. I'm convinced she was born to achieve extraordinary things. However, she has to survive into adulthood first. If we make it through each day in one piece, I consider it a success.

As much as I believe Bennett was born to set the world on fire, I believe Blake was born to make everyone around her just happy to be alive. Sweet and slobbery, she is now 19 months old and still not standing or walking. She's been identified as having low muscle tone and gross motor skill development is a challenge for her. With physical therapy, she'll catch up and be just fine. Still, it's hard to watch your baby struggle or not develop like the other kids around her. She's our happy girl. Loves to eat, loves to look at books, loves to cuddle, and gets so excited to see each of her family members each day. Having to lift and carry this super chunk all the time has really started to wear me down physically. With Beezy, it's another day, another back ache.

At the end of each day, I honestly just want to crash. Taking care of these girls takes everything I have, and I still have to find time somewhere in there to work at my "real job." Sitting down at the computer at 8:30 pm to work shouldn't feel like a break, but many times, it does. I have two high-school babysitters who are my saving grace. Katheryn lives across the street and has been watching Bennett since she was a baby. Elizabeth goes to our church and has a flexible schedule since she is home-schooled. My mom comes up every third week or so to stay for a few days and help me out. She struggles so much physically but still makes every effort to be a helpful, involved grandma. My dad is awesome with the girls, too. We miss our family in Iowa, but I am so thankful for the help that I do have!

If there's any time left over in a day, I find myself not wanting to spend it working on DIY projects or reading for self-improvement. I want chocolate, I want my DVR, and then I want a few precious hours of sleep before starting it all over again in the morning.

So, that's kind of where I am in life right now. I realized recently that the entire time I was growing up, I looked forward to and imagined certain things that were to come- going to college, getting married, getting a job, getting a house, having babies...but I really didn't consider much about what came after all that. And now, that time is here. I guess figuring all that out is more what my 30s are going to be about than my "to-accomplish" list, though I still want to work on that as well. I'll try not to wait another year before updating again.

A Separate Peace

I think it's been about a year since I blogged about being a work-at-home mom, how it was not turning out the way I thought it would, and how it was completely draining me and stressing me out. I felt so chained to my work throughout the day and felt like I was failing as a mom- all while pregnant and terrified about how I could possibly pull this off with another kid thrown in the mix. I vowed to find a way to let myself off the hook a little bit, to give Bennett and me an occasional break from one another, and to find a better way of getting everything accomplished.

A year certainly does make a difference! I have to admit I continued to run myself into the ground working until about a week before Blake was born- but all for the purpose of giving myself a four-month "maternity leave" which I greatly enjoyed and which (of course) went by like the blink of an eye. One thing I did accomplish during that four-month time period was getting Bennett into a two-day-a-week preschool program at a local church. She was more than ready for something like that, and it has been great for her. However, I didn't really do myself any favors as far as working, since the church is 15 miles away and I spend pretty much the whole day getting there, dropping her off and turning back around to pick her up again and get back home. We'll be finding something closer for next year.

Anyway, when January 1 rolled around, I found myself in tears at the prospect of having to dive back into my life as a work-at-home mom- not that I don't like or want to work, but I was just dreading that guilt of always being half-present, never feeling like we could go anywhere during the day, being in our pajamas at 2:00 pm with Bennett watching her third Caillou episode of the day, etc. I kind of knew what I had to do, even though I really didn't want to do it. I started working only at night and on the weekends.

I never wanted to do this because I considered it my only "down time." I felt like I would never get a break and would be basically working, in one form or another, from sun up until bedtime, and my life would totally suck. But, with two kids now (even with one of them being the world's easiest baby), I didn't see another way. And what I discovered was that I wish I would have done it a lot sooner. Separating work and motherhood this way has given me a relief and a peace that I wasn't sure was even possible. During the day, I can fully be "mom" without distraction. I don't rush through everything we do so that I can get back to work as quickly as possible. I enjoy shuttling Bennett to and from preschool and gymnastics, occasionally meeting friends for "playdates" (as much as I hate that word), getting stuff done around the house, and basically just spending more focused, quality time with my kids. And I've found that I can still get my work done by spending only 2-3 nights a week (usually just 2) working, as well as one block of time over the weekend, whether that's Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon, or whenever.

The crazy thing is that I don't really feel like I'm sacrificing that much "down time." To be honest, after a long day with the kids, I actually find that sitting down in a quiet room with my laptop and a snack or drink is somewhat relaxing. Ben takes the girls upstairs to play, get baths, and get to bed. And he doesn't mind a bit because A) he's an awesome husband and dad, and B) he hasn't been with them all day so he's kind of coming in fresh off the bench as far as the energy and patience for parenting is concerned. Most nights, we still have at least an hour or two to relax together and watch important television programming such as Teen Mom before we fall exhausted into bed.

My sweet mom also helps me out every other week, either by coming up here for a couple of days to help me out or by taking Bennett for a night or two to give me some extra time to work and some quiet time with Blake. I appreciate her so much!

So, although it's still not easy, I think I have finally found the balance I was so desperately seeking, and we have a workable plan for where we are in life right now. However, I can't lie- a lot of days, we are still in our pajamas at 2:00 pm!

Vintage Valentines

Happy Valentine's Day! This is not a holiday I care that much about, but every random holiday is made more fun with kids around, it seems. This was Bennett's first year giving/receiving preschool Valentines, which was fun once I convinced her that it was OK to distribute the ones she had chosen and she didn't need to keep them all for herself. She also had a lot of fun making Valentine cookies with our next-door neighbor Ella yesterday. The two of them broke open a bag of powdered sugar and had a "snow fight." She came home covered from head to toe in powdered sugar, and I think she must have inhaled some too, because she ran around in circles for several minutes, on a massive sugar high. Good times. Those two are definitely a recipe for trouble.

Earlier today I was remembering what I was doing a year ago today- I had one of my first ultrasounds to see Blake and I remember just praying that I could make it to the doctor's office and not have to pull over on the highway to throw up. I think I threw up six times during my ultrasound. And I doubt I will ever eat cinnamon toast again. Today I cleaned up possibly the biggest blow-out I have ever encountered as parent- at a restaurant- on a gross changing table- with very poor lighting- and I still think I had a much better Valentine's Day than I did last year! Thanks, Blake!

I had some fun decorating this year, too. My good friend Beca and I are currently obsessed with going to antique stores, and I found these vintage Valentines that I couldn't pass up. They're all signed on the back- some in pencil- and it just makes me wonder how old they actually are and whatever happened to the little kids who signed them all those years ago. I honestly think I could sit in an antique shop for hours and comb through old cards, postcards, and pictures. I'm trying not to be a hoarder and bring them all home, but some I just can't resist! Happy Valentine's Day!