WAHM bam

Just so that no one is fooled into thinking I'm sitting at home in a blissful state of contentment all the time, I thought I would also write about an area in which I'm struggling. This is also a post that has been brewing in my mind for a long, long time, and something that's a little hard to write about, since people tend to have strong feelings on the subject of moms and working.

I have always wanted to be a mom. And, I have always wanted to work. Well, maybe not so much work as write. And since I am a working writer, I always assumed these two would be one in the same. When I was pregnant with Bennett, I never considered quitting work to become a "full-time" mom. I knew it would be easy (or thought it would be, anyway) to work from home, and my employer agreed to let me, so there was the perfect solution- I could have it all.

Let me tell you how I feel after two years of "having it all."

Tired.

Stressed.

Anxious.

Emotionally drained.

And honestly, a little depressed.

I've been working really hard this whole time to figure out how I can "do this" and do it well, rather than just getting by. It isn't easy to compose 3,000 word narratives when you have a toddler who won't even let you go to the bathroom by yourself, let alone type a complete paragraph without interruption. Doing my work is a lot harder now, and frustrating at times, but I'm still satisfied that I'm doing a good job.

I am not satisfied, however, with the job I'm doing as a mom. Let me start by saying that I don't have a very laid-back child. She isn't bad at all, but she just wants attention and doesn't like playing by herself that much. It's like she really needs an older sibling but had the bad luck of being born first. I don't like the amount of TV she watches, but sometimes it's the only way I can get work done. It makes me feel so guilty when she wants something from me and I have to tell her to wait until I finish up what I'm working on. I definitely strive to make her my priority- when she needs a clean diaper, something to eat or drink, help with a toy, etc., I always drop what I'm working on right away. But I can't always just sit down and work puzzles with her or show her YouTube videos of people going down water slides in plastic chairs (don't ask why, she just loves it), and that makes me feel bad.

As she's gotten older, I've made it my goal to go out and do something "fun" a couple times a week, whether it's story time at the library, going to the park, or even just meeting Ben for lunch if I have a doctor's appointment or other errand. I'm quickly learning, though, that even getting out of the house for a couple of hours takes up the majority of the day when all is said and done. It adds up to me being behind on work and wondering when I'll find the time to get caught up.

So, to say the least, I don't feel like I "have it all." I have tried in vain to strike the best balance of everything, and I come up short, time and time again. I can't even seem to find the right balance of working and being a mom, let alone anything else, like keeping my house as clean as I'd like it (I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by a mess) or spending time with friends or finding time for any sort of hobbies like sewing or scrapbooking or gardening (lame hobbies, I know, but I like them- or I would like them if I had time).

I should probably mention that I do have a fantastic husband who helps out as much as he can. He is a very hands-on dad, and he has never been afraid of housework, cooking, or laundry, although I am fairly sure if I died the toilets might never get scrubbed again. He never puts pressure on me to be all things to all people at all times- I know that pressure comes from within, but I still can't seem to shake it. I feel like it's my responsibility not only to contribute financially with the money I make, but to contribute financially with the money I save by us not having to pay for child care. This means that I never pay for a babysitter and always rely on my parents- who live an hour away- to watch her when I need someone, which of course is less than ideal, logistically speaking. This means that Bennett and I spend all day, every day, together, with no breaks.

For months and months and months, I've been trying to change myself- to change my perspective, to change my schedule, to change my attitude, to pray for more wisdom, more patience, more strength, more contentment. This week I started trying to potty-train Bennett and I became overwhelmed- how can I research the organizational structure of businesses while simultaneously watching for the telltale signs of someone who needs to poop? How can I possibly potty-train while I'm working? Google that and you'll find a lot of advice on how to work with the babysitter or daycare center to get the job done. Then it kind of hit me...

I've set myself up to fail. My base assumption has been wrong from the outset...that I can do it all, and do it all well. Maybe it's time to realize that it just isn't working, and instead of torturing myself over what I can do to make it work, I need to change the set up entirely. Bennett is my priority, and I'm starting to understand that having a drained, stressed-out mom isn't what's best for her. (And yes, I know it's only going to get harder when the new baby arrives). I think this is where a lot of moms might say, "I'm quitting my job and we'll make financial sacrifices and cut coupons and we'll make it work." I don't think there is a right or wrong for a mom in my position, and every family has to do what's best for them. However, I'm not going to quit my job. I need to work, and I want to work. And Bennett probably needs a break from me as much as I need a break from her sometimes. So, I'm going to look into daycare or getting a babysitter one day a week, or even just one afternoon. I'm going to give myself a few hours during the week to work, to think, to breathe. I think a change in set up will do us all some good and make us all a little happier.

Now, I have to go, my boss is calling me. I'll let you guess which one!

Contentment

This post has been brewing in my mind for a long time. I've had a lot going on in my head and in my heart but sometimes it's hard to articulate those feelings. I feel like God has been teaching me a lot about contentment in these past few months. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started looking at houses online. The truth is, we are just outgrowing our house, which is something I could never imagine happening. When we moved in almost six years ago, this place just seemed huge. I never imagined how much room a kid and all her related paraphernalia would take up. (I just had to spell check "paraphernalia," and no, I didn't spell it correctly on my own.) Now, with another kid on the way, I am stressing out, trying to figure out how we're all going to fit in here.

We need an extra bedroom.

We need a basement or some sort of storage area.

We need a play area that's separate from our living room. Our house is overrun with toys.

We need a yard that's bigger than a postage stamp.

We need to be in a better school district.

We need a quieter setting, without so many barking dogs, loud cars, and constant helicopter traffic overhead.

We need...We need...We need...and somewhere in the middle of these thoughts, I know that we really don't need any of those things. We already have so much more than 95 percent of the world. So many of the things I think are needs are really just wants. I'm kind of worn out on worrying about what we don't have when what we do have is so, so much. The truth is that the housing market here just isn't that great. It isn't the ideal time to sell, and from what I've found in our price range, there isn't much out there we're interested in buying. I just want to be content with what we have and where we are right now. So, I have prayed for contentment, and God has given it to me in abundance. Not just a sigh-of-acceptance kind of contentment, but a real, true contentment. It isn't ideal in the least, but I'm going to work hard to make the best use of the space we have and I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of doing so.

I know that we won't live in this house forever. And I also know that the next house is just the next step in life, and it all goes by so fast anyway. Too fast. It's hard to believe it was 7 years ago when we were living in our newlywed apartment with hand-me-down furniture. I actually miss those times, and I'm certain that someday I will miss these times as well. I don't want to rush through life, always reaching out and grabbing for the "next" thing. I think we forget too often that moving on to the next thing requires the current thing to be over- I can't wait for Bennett to be potty trained, but that also means she'll be older and might not want me to rock her to sleep at night. I can't wait until I can have some peace during the day to get work done, but that means she'll be going off to school and growing up. Today I put a pair of jeans on her and noticed they're getting a little small. I remember buying those jeans and thinking, "It will be forever until she grows into these." It goes by too, too fast. In the blink of an eye, we will be out of this house, and that much more of this short life will be gone forever.

This is not to say that I'm not keeping my eye out for potential new houses. As a matter of fact, we seriously looked at one a few weeks ago that was a complete steal (bank-owned) and could have been our dream house- with thousands of dollars and thousands of hours' worth of work, of course. However, someone else snatched it up before we could, and instead of feeling disappointed, the only thought that came to my head was, "I would live in a cardboard box as long as I could be with my family. We're all together, we're all healthy, and a house is just a house." I know it isn't my own positive thinking that made me feel that way, but the change the Lord has worked in my heart which I am so, so thankful for! Instead of fretting, I'm just content and really looking forward to what will come next in our lives- whenever and wherever that might be. I'm grateful that mapping that course is not a burden on our shoulders but has already been done for us. I don't want to miss out on right now because I'm so consumed with the future.

It's not list-related, but maybe this is one of the lessons I was meant to learn in my 30s. Probably would have helped to have learned it in my 20s, but better late than never. :)

Goodbye winter...

It's been a long, hard winter, and I am ready for it to be over! I love to look outside and see the sun shining, even if the temperature is still a bit cold. I can't wait for Bennett to be able to play outside, for us to be able to take trips to the park, the zoo, and the pool. I've never loved cold weather or snow, but I especially hate it now that I have a little one- being stuck inside for several months takes on a whole new meaning. I am feeling a lot better in the past week or so- hardly any sickness or throwing up. The second trimester has begun, and I think I've finally turned that corner. I'm so grateful!

I have so many things I want to post about, but I'll just pick a couple for today. First of all, I'm really looking forward to enjoying food again. I have been craving so many things, but especially cherry tomatoes. I cannot wait for all the fresh produce to start rolling in and to start making trips to the farmers market as well as growing a few things in my little garden. I have really gotten behind on trying new recipes, and I have a few ideas on how to catch up on that (for a later post). For now I thought I'd share one of my favorite recipes and something that I made a LOT of this winter- it often tasted good to me even when I was feeling sick. It's my grandmother's spaghetti sauce- really hearty and has a great flavor. It also freezes well, so you can make a huge batch at one time and save some for later. It's a great end-of-winter meal and so easy to make!

Nan's Spaghetti Sauce

Brown 4 lbs. hamburger (I always use sirloin) with one medium chopped onion (or more, if you prefer). Drain.

Add:

46 oz. tomato juice

15 oz. tomato sauce (sometimes I use a little more)

28 oz. tomato puree

1 bottle of chili sauce (I like the Heinz brand)

Then add seasonings:

2 bay leaves

1.5 - 2 tsp. oregano

1.5 - 2 tsp.Italian seasoning

2 pinches of red & green pepper spice (can be kind of hard to find, but worth looking for!)

1.5 - 2 tsp. chili powder

Stir it all together and simmer for 3 hours until thick. I usually simmer it uncovered so it will get thicker. 

I also wanted to report that I finished the first book on my Kindle--Deception Point by Dan Brown. It was a little (OK, a LOT) far-fetched, but I liked it for the most part. I was just in the mood for a fast-paced book like that, and it was a fun read. Like many people had told me, it's not as good as Angels and Demons or The Da Vinci Code, but it's entertaining nonetheless. You'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about meteorites, that's for sure.

I'm a little behind on my reading for the year (if my goal is to read one book a month), but I'm into a new book now that I'm loving, so hopefully I'll catch up soon. Looking forward to spring and catching up on just about everything! Happy Tuesday!

A major list item...

When I made my 30 in my 30s list, one of the first things I wrote down was, "Have or adopt another child- or two." I am so excited that this will be happening this year. I found out on New Year's Eve that I'm pregnant, and the new little one should be here sometime around Labor Day. Even though I'm almost three months pregnant now, I think the reality is still sinking in. Like with Bennett, we had trouble getting pregnant on our own and went through fertility treatments. This time around, we used a milder drug with fewer side effects (thankfully!) and it worked on the very first try. I actually felt guilty about it being "too easy." My experience was that getting pregnant should be difficult, it should be physically and emotionally draining, it should be an all-around gut-wrenching experience. It may be hard to understand, but I didn't feel as if I had "earned it" this time. It almost didn't seem real that we could get pregnant so soon and with so little effort. We have been so blessed.

It has also been a different experience in that I have been so very sick. With Bennett, I felt queasy and tired, but that was the worst of it. This time, I have been sick every day, all day, and have been throwing up quite a bit. I'm not going to lie, it has been miserable so far. This might be my payback for being one of those women who just raves about how much she LOVES being pregnant. :) I am still hoping to be able to enjoy this pregnancy, though. I am hoping that when the first trimester is over, I will start feeling better again and get back into living instead of surviving day to day.

I'm really thrilled about having another child, and I know that Bennett is going to be a great big sister! This is totally a "bonus" for me. I never thought I would have her, and having her was a blessing beyond all my dreams. She totally fulfilled my longing to be a mom and erased the feeling that something was missing in my life. I could have been content with just having her. I wanted to have another baby, but I didn't feel the desperation I did the first time around. God taught me through that experience that He gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. I wondered if we would have another child, or if we would be led to adopt, and how and when it would all pan out- but I never doubted that it would work out perfectly, just as it has. And I think I will make the first revision to my list by crossing out or two at the end of this one. I feel a perfect sense of wholeness in having one more child and can honestly say I don't ever want to get pregnant again. (Ask me again when I'm not puking, I guess). Of course, I always want to be open to another child in our home if that's what the Lord wants for us.

I'm looking forward to a quiet 2011 spent mostly at home (though there definitely has to be a short pre-baby trip for Ben & me in there somewhere!) working, blogging, and enjoying my growing family!

Totally imperfect 5-minute wall projects

I have been an absentee blogger. I have several posts lined up, and I have not forgotten about my 30 in my 30s list, but I've just been on a sort of "life hiatus" for the past month or so. There's been a lot of sickness and working overtime and terrible weather at our house so far this year, and I've given myself permission to live in survival mode for just a little while. Get work done, take care of Bennett, rest. That's what we're doing right now, and we're fine with that. I have been reading up a storm on my Kindle, though, and have a book review ready to post soon.

For now, I thought I'd post a few pictures of some of the decorations I've put up in my "new" kitchen. As you know, I am not very crafty or good at decorating. Oh, I'd like to be, but it just doesn't come completely naturally to me. I know what I like when I see it, but I have a difficult time creating it. My projects are all very simple, and if they can't be finished quickly and with minimal precision, I get frustrated and lose interest.

My first five-minute project was redoing the key hook that hangs near our back door. When we first got married, I had visions of a French-themed kitchen with lots of cobalt blue, etc....totally not my style anymore, and I have tons of "Frenchy" stuff to work with. Here is the original hook (that's a glass of cranberry ginger ale on the counter- this year's holiday obsession):

I used scrapbook paper to cut out squares for each of the three openings and a scrapbook kit sticker to put a quote in the middle:

I don't have the greatest camera, but the quote says "There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort." -Jane Austen. Can you still see a tiny sliver of mirror at the top of the middle square? Yes. Am I too lazy to redo it? Absolutely. As it hangs on the wall, the sliver is not visible and I feel fine about this:

The second project was born out of necessity. After years of promising Ben I would not make our house too "country," he was appalled that I wanted to hang this on the wall (again, sorry for my terrible picture-taking skills):

Keep in mind, he was fine with this piece hanging above the hutch...

...but apparently, a single rooster hanging on the wall with no accompanying words or matching rooster friend was just way too country-ish. I got both these pieces at Flower Factory (aka cheap stuff heaven) and was- yes- too lazy to return the single rooster, so once again I broke out my scrapbook paper and stickers. The result:

A little tribute to our adorable daughter. The picture is of her standing in my parents' field while it was in hay this fall, looking down at an apple she picked from one of their trees. I took the picture on my dad's phone. 

The sticker underneath says "perfect," because she is perfect and also because it's ironic since this project looks anything but perfect. The top left corner is sticking up and I haven't gotten around to fixing it yet:

One of these days...

I added a new shelf to another wall and feel like the new kitchen look is pretty much complete. The milk bottle is from the Farm Fresh store on Fosterburg Road in Alton, the road my grandma lived on since before I was born until she died. We always called it "the milk store." Best chocolate milk ever.

Now all that's left to do is finish painting and papering behind the fridge, clean up the trim, etc...like I said, one of these days!